


Starlit; Soonhoon

by kwanies



Series: It's a quiet and starry place [2]
Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Astrology, Astronomy, Established Relationship, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Soonhoon - Freeform, Space AU, also ! verkwan's more of a side pairing, but they're There i promise, i made a pt 2 because i'm lame, verkwan
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-10
Updated: 2019-02-14
Packaged: 2019-09-15 20:49:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 26,366
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16940466
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kwanies/pseuds/kwanies
Summary: Not much has changed. Jihoon still likes those long talks, the sight of Soonyoung climbing through his window at night. He still lets Soonyoung read him his horoscope every morning. That list of documentaries is dwindling, but that's okay. Jihoon still loves Soonyoung - his kind, starry-eyed Soonyoung - and Soonyoung loves him.Oh, but the stars are dimming; oh, the moon loses a bit of its glow with each passing night. The year is ending and who knows what else - and Jihoon's never been so scared of the dark, but he knows what he's willing to do to make it through the night. He knows who he'd cross the universe for.He just hopes he isn't alone in that sentiment.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> i really had no plan on making a part 2 to moonwatcher and yet,,, here we are,,,
> 
> but For Real this was really well received and i had SO much fun writing it so i !! couldn't resist!!! i wanted to spend some more time with my space boys and i was thinking that maybe some of u do too ;(
> 
> \+ i'm switching things up a bit this time with jihoon's pov ! funfun
> 
> fair warning this will be slightly angsty - i have some stuff planned that maybe isn't the most lovey-dovey heartachingly cute - and i'm just hoping i don't mess it up completely bc angst is uhh,,, not something i have a ton of experience writing,,, but ! we'll see !
> 
> either way, i promise things will end well. i've never been too great at sad endings anyway haha
> 
> as always ! feedback is very much appreciated <3
> 
> p.s. i guess it's not reeaallyyy necessary that you read moonwatcher before starting this, but it might help clear things up a bit (i'd also appreciate it a ton sdfghjlk but No Pressure)

**September**

 

 **JIHOON'S HEART BEATS** soft and vulnerable, something he still hasn't gotten used to despite enduring it for so many years, and he thinks he could choke on his own feelings. Soonyoung's got the prettiest eyes, really. He's always known that. He thinks it might be worth mentioning.

"Stop," Soonyoung snickers, blushing. "I'm supposed to say cheesy shit like that, not you."

"I don't tell you these things enough, though."

"That's okay. I know you're thinking it, anyway."

Jihoon's laying on his bed, eyes turned up at the ceiling, and he scrunches his nose when Soonyoung pops his head over to block his view (the view being those ugly, peeling stick-on stars he still refuses to throw out). He reaches out to push that stupid - cute? - grin away, but Soonyoung only catches his hand and smiles harder.

"Bold of you to assume I think about these things," Jihoon mutters.

"But you  _do_  think about them, don't you?"

" ... Maybe."

Soonyoung giggles lightly and presses a kiss to the back of Jihoon's hand before letting it go, falling over to lay beside him, and Jihoon's left wondering  _when_  they got to be this way. The shift from a sensible, friendly distance to being completely enveloped in one another. It must have been slow and sudden all at once; like a blending of colors, and Jihoon can't remember transitioning from blue to purple to red entirely.

He just knows it hit him one day, and it's been making him feel weird things ever since. Weird, like, good. Like Soonyoung makes him feel really,  _really_  good.

"How are you?" Soonyoung whispers against the darkness of Jihoon's room. Soft words, so soft, but enough to wrap around Jihoon's heart and give it a squeeze. "And I mean it this time," he adds. "Don't tell me about your math exam again, or how hard you laughed when Mingyu fell out of his seat during lunch. How  _are_  you? I wanna know how you feel."

Jihoon's smile is hesitant, endeared, and he jokes, "You ready to psychoanalyze me? Tell me how my feelings can be chalked up to my Aries moon?"

"No," Soonyoung says, turning on his side. "I mean, maybe. But I also just care, you know? And I like hearing you talk."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah."

Jihoon's glad it's dark in his room - there's an unmistakable heat crawling along his neck, spreading to his face, and the blue-grey static of their surroundings hides it. Or, he hopes it does. He'd rather not let Soonyoung see how flustered he is over something so small.

"I'm fine. A little stressed, but when am I not?" Jihoon says, and Soonyoung frowns.

"That's not good."

"I think it is, honestly. I run off stress. I wouldn't be motivated to get shit done, without it."

"Not true."

Soonyoung brings himself close, burrowing his head into Jihoon's chest, and Jihoon thinks he can feel the boy's smile pressed right up next to his heart. He runs one hand through his hair and another down the length of his spine, breathing deep.

Moonlight, moonlight poured all over him in the form of one lovely boy. It's comfortable.

"Not true," Soonyoung repeats. "I can motivate you, encourage you and all that. You don't need to pull yourself apart the way you do. It's not healthy, Jihoonie."

"You worry too much. I know my limits, I know when to stop."

"You might think so, but it doesn't always work like that. Things slip out of hand sometimes, and you end up pushing yourself too hard without meaning to. I know that. I've seen you do it."

Jihoon doesn't respond right away, he's too quietly enamored. He's always known this, convinced himself of it when he was in the fifth grade, but Soonyoung truly is the sweetest person alive. Too kind, too good. Jihoon can't say he's deserving. He just thinks he's lucky.

"It won't happen," he assures him softly. "Besides, I don't have to worry about university applications  _quite_  yet. I've got a little more time before the anxiety starts to set in." Soonyoung groans.

"Ugh, please don't bring up applications. Thinking about it makes me want to die."

Jihoon knows it's something they've both been dreading, a lot more than either of them have wanted to let on. The thought of the future, having to pack up and leave home, leave their families and everything they've ever grown up with. Starting the rest of their lives. It's nerve-wracking. Not to mention, he's not even sure he'll get into his top choices.

"Please," Soonyoung scoffs, "that's the least of your concerns. You could get into any college."

"Somehow I doubt that."

Soonyoung sits up when he speaks, looking at Jihoon from underneath knit eyebrows. "I mean it," he says. "You're so smart, you know that?"

"Sure. You tell me every day."

"Exactly. You've got the grades, the work ethic, you already  _know_  every teacher in that building is willing to write you a stellar letter of recommendation - and God, you're so talented, Jihoon. Any one of those fancy art schools would be lucky to have you."

"Well, you too," Jihoon says, and Soonyoung's expression turns blurry and embarrassed.

"I mean, that's questionable. But I guess we'll find out."

Jihoon tsks, "Don't be dumb, Soonyoung. You're incredible. They'd be crazy not to take you."

"You think so?"

Jihoon nods firmly, "I know so," reaching out to make grabby motions at Soonyoung. The latter rolls his eyes and mutters something about having a needy boyfriend, but lays his head down on Jihoon's stomach nonetheless. It's a comforting weight, like being filled with something warm and heavy. Like honey in his bones.

Jihoon could lay like this forever, he thinks. Just them alone; just them and cool air for company. Two heart exposed to the darkness, and they both belong to Soonyoung.

Two hearts, and one bothersome thought lingering on his conscious. It starts suddenly, like an itch he can't quite reach, and Jihoon frowns. Soonyoung notices and asks, "What is it?"

"They'd be crazy not to take you," he says, echoing himself. "You're gonna get in, Soonyoung. It's your dream school, you've been wanting to go there since you were a kid."

Soonyoung hums, "And?"

"You wouldn't turn it down, would you?"

"Obviously not."

"Right, obviously," Jihoon mumbles, mostly to himself. Soonyoung would trade the world for an opportunity like that, and Jihoon's not awful enough to ask him to. He wouldn't dream of taking that happiness away from him.

But Jihoon's not Soonyoung.

"It's a nice school," he says, "but not the one for me."

"That's valid."

" ... What's gonna happen to us, Soon?"

Jihoon can feel Soonyoung fall still against him, almost like every atom, every moving molecule in his body decided to freeze against the silence. And it's silence, then, that engulfs them. What will happen to them, their relationship? Jihoon doesn't think either of them had considered that up to this point. He kind of wishes he hadn't brought it up at all.

The thought of not being able to see Soonyoung every day, not being able to hold him and be held by him and have his voice right there with him - it weighs his chest down with something heavy enough to stop his breathing. It hurts, it hurts and he wasn't expecting it, but it does.

"You said it yourself," Soonyoung says after some time. "We don't have to worry about it yet. You've got stars in your eyes, Jihoonie, I'd rather talk about that."

Jihoon's okay with that. Here he's got Soonyoung - bright-eyed, cheerful Soonyoung, dotted with constellations and a smile painted pretty like Saturn's rings. Soonyoung, who he loves. Jihoon doesn't want to think about leaving him, not yet.

So he won't.

 

**—**

 

"New rule," Seungkwan says, "no holding hands while we're eating lunch together, even from under the table. It's gross, and I'm losing my appetite."

"Just because you can't - "

Soonyoung cuts off mid-sentence when Jihoon squeezes his hand, glaring at him from out of the corner of his eye.

"Nevermind," he mumbles, but he still refuses to untangle their fingers.

Jihoon was weird about the whole PDA thing when they first got together - no holding hands, no kissing, none where it'd be too terribly obvious - simply on account of his own shyness. You can imagine how much Soonyoung hated that for the first few weeks of their relationship.

Slowly, though, Jihoon became more accustomed to it. He's learned to like the feeling of Soonyoung leaning on him or kissing the top of his head, even if it is in front of other people. It's like,  _yes, he's mine, this is my boyfriend in case you didn't know, aren't I lucky?_

It kind of makes his heart go fast, not that he would ever admit it out loud.

And maybe he's imagining it, but Seungkwan seems to be having the opposite thought process. While the others have never had any complaints, Seungkwan  _loves_  to turn his nose up at them. Not in a mean way, but, well. Jihoon would be lying if he said it didn't irk him a little bit. Soonyoung, even more so.

"Can someone please tell him to stop commenting on what we do?" Soonyoung asks through a mouthful of bread. Seungkwan just left to put his tray away, and Jihoon had braced himself for the inevitable bellyaching that would fill his momentary absence. He expected it, but he kicks Soonyoung under the table anyway.

"Leave him be."

"Come on, it bothers you, too. I know it does."

"He's clearly got his own thing going on, might as well let him figure it out. I won't step on any toes."

"Well, he's stepping all over mine."

Jihoon turns a look over at Soonyoung, lips pursed. He tries to keep his voice firm when he says, "Please, be nice," but it's hard not to go all soft when Soonyoung looks back at him. It's even worse when the boy has the nerve to pout at him.

"Uh, not that I'm siding with him or anything," Vernon starts, and Soonyoung rolls his eyes, "but, I mean ... you  _do_  kind of act like a married couple. Maybe he's just not comfortable with stuff like that."

Jihoon struggles to fight the color rising to his cheeks, while Soonyoung wastes no time shooting back a response.

"So what if we do? I don't think it's something worth complaining about, especially since he's supposed to be our friend. You know as well as I do that Seungkwan doesn't have a problem with affection, he just hates it when it's us."

Vernon gapes, looking torn between defending Seungkwan - they all know he lied when he said he wasn't siding with the boy - and agreeing with Soonyoung, because Soonyoung  _does_  have a point. Jihoon doesn't want to say anything, for the sake of neutrality, but it's true.

Vernon looks like he wants to say something, but Seungkwan's back already with a "What are we talking about?" and Soonyoung smiles tightly.

"I was telling everyone about how Capricorn tends to have a superiority complex. Really rubs people the wrong way, y'know?"

Seungkwan's eyebrows knit, but it's someone else who pipes up, "Man, what the hell?" and Soonyoung coughs.

"Oh, right. Sorry, Josh. I forgot."

It's Seungcheol who gets the conversation moving into safer waters - Jihoon can tell he's just as uncomfortable as he is - and that's that. He'll have to remind himself to bring it up with Vernon later, though.

He loves Soonyoung a whole lot. He doesn't want that to cause any issues.

 

**—**

 

Soonyoung's been grumbling for the last fifteen minutes, paying more attention to the heat of his own words than the telescope he's supposed to be setting up.

"I just don't see his problem? Like, sorry I'm in a happy relationship and you're not? Fucking  _beyond_  me what's got him acting so bitter - "

"You know what it is," Jihoon interrupts, placing a hand on Soonyoung's shoulder. He keeps his voice soft on purpose, trying to get the other to cool down a little. "You have to know."

" ... I don't think I do?"

"You said it yourself - we're in a happy relationship, he's not. How long has he been going after Vernon, do you think? Couple years, now?"

Soonyoung watches him steadily, squinting, before realization sets in. Jihoon's quick to defend himself, "I don't want to point any fingers, and I know I shouldn't assume things, but - "

"No, no. It would make sense, I guess."

"Yeah? I think ... I don't think he's got any issues with us, Soonyoung. Don't worry about that. Just, go easy on him? Don't be so aggressive?"

"How can I - "

"I know you get frustrated, I know. But you gotta be understanding, too. Maybe try talking to him one-on-one, if it's bothering you that much, but don't go picking fights just for the sake of it."

Soonyoung breathes, moving to grab Jihoon's hand off his shoulder and holding it against his chest. A small smile tugs to life, and Jihoon feels a spark go off somewhere inside him. It's quick and warm and leaves him tingling, but that's just what Soonyoung does. He just  _exists_ , and Jihoon's a whole mess for it.

"You're good at this," Soonyoung mumbles, "calming me down, reasoning."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah, it's almost like ... you're my better half."

There's a short burst of silence while his words sink in, and then Jihoon's eyes are wide and he's tugging his hand away with a scowl. Soonyoung breaks into a fit of giggles.

"Shut up, I swear to God - "

"I'm sorry," Soonyoung gasps, nearly choking on his own breath. "I'm sorry, but the look on your face - "

"No, fuck you, cheesy son of a bitch. You - You can't just  _say_  that."

"Why not?" Soonyoung calms himself down enough to stop laughing and reaches for Jihoon again, grabbing him by the shoulders and pulling them closer together. "Why can't I, if I mean it?" Jihoon doesn't meet his stare.

"You don't."

"'Course I do, I'm not messing with you. I just like seeing you all worked up."

"You're an asshole."

"Yes, but I love you, and I really do think you are. My better half, I mean."

Now, Jihoon looks at him. He forces himself to swallow a grin and mutters, "Gross. Vernon wasn't kidding when he said we act like a married couple."

"Okay, but I love that. It just means we're gonna kill it ten years from now. All the other married couples are gonna  _wish_  they were as cute as us."

"Again, gross."

Soonyoung gets excited, his voice taking on a sweet, dreamy tone, and he does that thing where he scrunches his nose all cutely. His eyes light up, and Jihoon wants to kiss both of them, if only to see the stars shine a little brighter.

"I can see it now," he grins. "World-famous producer Lee Jihoon, and his astronomer husband. We'll start every morning with coffee and the daily horoscope - "

"As if that's any different to what we do  _now_  - "

" - and we'll have pet names for each other, and a studio in the house, so you can work from home, and - and you can write songs about me, and when I finally finish writing my book on astrology I'll put your name under the dedications, and I know you don't like traveling but you gotta grant me at least one trip every now and then, someplace nice, so we can re-live our honeymoon phase - "

"Soonyoung," Jihoon interrupts, "are you hearing yourself?"

Soonyoung inhales deep, exhales. "Loud and clear," he says, and it comes out in one breath.

Jihoon cocks his head to one side, and Soonyoung doesn't even squirm under the weight of his stare, damn him. Soonyoung, so confident he can talk about a future where they're still together and not second guess it. Soonyoung, who's painted a picture Jihoon so desperately wants to be a part of.

Part of him is aware of the fact that Soonyoung's begun rambling again, but the words are far-off and echoing at the back of his mind, barely perceptible. Jihoon's too busy thinking of everything else to pay attention to whatever new material Soonyoung's offering him; he's too busy slipping into that dream, imagining what it might be like to actually live that life.

It's years off, but Soonyoung isn't.

On impulse, Jihoon cuts him off with a kiss. Soonyoung shuts up immediately and melts into him, moving so that his hands are on Jihoon's waist and the space between them is nonexistent. By now, they must've kissed a hundred times - but Jihoon doesn't think he'll ever get used to the way it makes him feel.

The sheer force of the affection surging through him is enough to give him vertigo, make the world spin crazy, so all he can do is hold Soonyoung tighter to keep his balance. He feels warmly helpless, completely vulnerable and at Soonyoung's will entirely, but in a nice way - nice, like Soonyoung's mouth is on his, he's doing that  _thing_  with his tongue, and Jihoon's heart could win an Olympic gold medal for acrobatics.

When they pull apart, it's Jihoon who speaks first.

"You've given this a lot of thought, huh?"

Soonyoung grins. "This might be hard for you to believe, Jihoon, but I literally don't think about anything that doesn't involve you. So yeah, actually. I have."

Jihoon could say he's been thrown off his axis, that Soonyoung knocked into him like a comet and spun him out of his end of the galaxy; he could say that Soonyoung is a world in himself, and Jihoon's content just orbiting him. Soonyoung is prettier than the brightest star and he makes Jihoon's heart burn twice as hot, he could say that.

"I love you," is what he settles for, and that seems to sum it up quite nicely.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i've had so little motivation to do Anything as of late but that one video of soonhoon flirting at mama 2018 gave me the strength and energy i needed to finish this
> 
> i hope you all are liking this so far ! and i'm sorry if updates are a bit slow - i honestly have no excuse, i'm just a slow worker. i usually write a bunch of chapters in advance before posting the first one so i can update at a more regular pace but uhhhh i messed up and got too excited this time around oops
> 
> one last thing: i'm so sorry this chapter like,,, isn't that good lmao. i'm really hoping u enjoy it but at the same time i KNOW it sucks and i've tried fixing it but i just. i don't know. i don't know why it's so much worse than anything else i've written it just is.
> 
> (that being said pls give it a chance & i'll love u forever ... <3)

**October**

 

 **SOONYOUNG'S GOT THE** prettiest mind Jihoon's ever seen in a person. Everything that crosses it is a wonder, something unique and thoughtful and innocent - and when one of those wonders meets the open air, Jihoon thinks he's on the luckier side of life. Soonyoung, at his softest and most uninhibited. Who else gets to hear it?

"She's like, alive."

"What, the universe?"

"Mm-hmm," Soonyoung hums. "She's alive and breathing, and very kind. Think, for all the shit that goes down on Earth, what of it has spread to the outer reaches of space?"

"Not very much," Jihoon supposes.

"Right. She must be strong, don't you think?"

"I'm sure she is. Soonyoung?"

"Yes?"

"How much did you sleep last night?"

Jihoon watches Soonyoung's stare falter - a flicker in his eyes, he blinks - before the boy turns to face him with a grin. They've been standing in the candy aisle for the last ten minutes, staring at the same shelf of mix-bags and chocolate bars, but Jihoon's pretty sure Soonyoung just zoned out while he was talking. It's funny, the nearby 24-hour grocery store has never seemed like much of a hot-spot for profound revelations, but Soonyoung doesn't really ever mind  _where_  he is. He'd tell the lunch lady at school about how much he loves the moon, if given the chance.

Right now, though, he's focused on Jihoon. No more tender, breathing universe, just them two; Jihoon's shy even without words, downright embarrassed with them.

"Aw, are you worried?" Soonyoung coos. His smile is small, endeared, and Jihoon flushes.

"No," he mumbles. "Just, sometimes it's hard for me to tell the difference between regular Soonyoung and sleep-deprived Soonyoung."

Soonyoung's eyes twinkle. Jihoon didn't know eyes could do that until a few years ago, he just thought that was something people wrote about in books.

"You're too cute, honestly - and I'm fine," he adds before Jihoon can protest. "I've been sleeping just fine. If anything, I'm worried about  _you_. I wish I could keep an eye on you, make sure you're actually getting some shut-eye, but I can't stay up that long."

Jihoon scrunches his nose, finally moving to knock a bag of assorted chocolates off the shelf and into their basket. He continues down the aisle and lets Soonyoung follow after him, trying to think of what to say.

Eventually, he settles for, "I think there are more important things to be concerned over."

"Like?"

"Like, school."

"Oh, right, because school is  _so_  much more important to me than my boyfriend." Jihoon snorts, and Soonyoung's little smile melts into a frown. "Seriously, Jihoonie. It's not good for you. What do you even stay awake for?"

Jihoon makes a turn for where the chips are, grabbing three different bags and tossing them in. Soonyoung dips to grab one and put it back on the shelf, muttering about how they don't need so much, and Jihoon lets him. He doesn't try to ignore the dumb little flip his heart does.

When he takes a while to answer, chewing his lower lip without meeting Soonyoung's gaze, the latter purses his lips. "I'll know if you're lying to me, so don't try."

"Just, life stuff. School, university. I've already told you about it."

"Well, it's clearly still bothering you. Tell me more."

"It won't help," Jihoon sighs. "You've already heard it all, and repeating myself won't do any good. I just overthink these things."

Soonyoung is quiet, watching him, and Jihoon's skin crawls where he can feel the other's gaze.

His chest goes hollow when he thinks about it, the future; weighed down with worry until it can't hold up anymore, and it collapses in on itself. Jihoon  _wishes_  he could say he's only worried about academics.

Soonyoung startles him out of his thoughts with a light touch, just a hand on his shoulder. Jihoon lets out a shaky breath he didn't realize he was holding.

"Hey," he says softly. "It'll be alright."

"You can't know that."

"I feel it, right inside my heart. Good things happen to good people. I  _do_  know that."

Jihoon tries to force a smile, if only for the sake of lightening the mood, but it's awfully strained. He doesn't know what to say without making himself feel like a burden - complaining, all he does is complain - so he says nothing at all, tightening his grip on the basket and leading them towards the cashier. Soonyoung isn't so willing to drop it, though.

"It's not just school, is it? There's something else bothering you."

"It's nothing, Soonyoung."

"Jihoon. I hate it when you lie to me."

"I'm not, I'm just ... It's nothing worth your time. I'd rather not talk about it at all."

Jihoon starts loading things onto the conveyor belt, fishing his wallet out of his bag and trying to act like the cashier clearly listening in on their conversation doesn't irritate him. He can't help huffing a bit when she hands him back his change, though, eyeing him like he's a sick kitten. He and Soonyoung aren't even arguing. He doesn't need her pity.

And it's not an argument, not really. He's being withdrawn and secretive and it's obvious, he knows it is, and he knows Soonyoung can't stand that sort of thing - he knows he's making things worse. It's not an argument, though.

The way home is fueled with nothing but silence.

 

**—**

 

It's late past midnight, and Jihoon can tell he's the least tired between the two of them. Soonyoung speaks through a yawn anyway, words muffled behind his hand.

"You're gonna tell me, right?"

"Tell you what?"

"Whatever it is that's got you so stressed ... I'm your boyfriend, Jihoon. I want to be here for you."

God, does that sound familiar. Jihoon suddenly feels like he's eight months back; same room, same bedsheets, same words.  _I want to be here for you_.

The only difference is that Soonyoung's the one saying them, this time.

"Maybe I'll talk to the moon," Jihoon whispers, if only to entertain the memory. "Because she listens, right? She's there every night, she'll keep all my secrets. Isn't that what you said?" Soonyoung groans.

"Stop. This is different, now."

"Is it, though? I mean, we can kiss each other. I can hold your hand and tell you I love you. Besides that, has anything really changed?"

Jihoon catches the way Soonyoung rolls his eyes, hears how he clicks his tongue. He's frustrated, and it's quickly dawning on Jihoon that  _maybe_  that wasn't the right thing to say. Inky black guilt is pooling in his stomach before the words even reach his ears.

"That - That's literally it, Jihoon. I couldn't kiss you, not back then. I couldn't hold your hand. I couldn't  _do_  that shit. I was head over heels for you and had no one to tell about it, and you laughed at me for trusting a giant rock in the sky, but that was just my way of getting it out." Soonyoung pauses, he breathes. "It's not like I ever planned on telling you."

Soonyoung's not laying down, not anymore. His head isn't next to Jihoon's like it was just a moment ago. He's sitting, legs crossed and head bent over his own lap, and Jihoon can't meet his eyes, try as he might. When Soonyoung speaks again, there's a tremor in his voice, and it's only then that Jihoon realizes this might be worse than he thought.

"I stopped after we got together," he continues. "I tell you everything. To this day, that's the only secret I've ever kept from you ... but I guess that's just me."

With that, Soonyoung slides off Jihoon's bed and hoists his bag over his shoulder. He doesn't spare a glance as he makes his way over to the window and lifts the latch.

All Jihoon can do is watch, utterly confused, his mind refusing to process what's happening as Soonyoung climbs over. Part of him registers the fact that he's never really seen Soonyoung leave through his window, he's only ever seen the boy coming in.

"I'll leave you now," Soonyoung says, and his expression is oddly calm. "Take the extra time for yourself to think, talk to the moon - do whatever. I don't give a shit. It's obvious you'd rather not open up to me."

The window shuts with a dull thump, and Soonyoung might as well have shoved Jihoon's heart between the wall and the glass, with the way it's hurting right now. It feels bitten and dejected, frosted over with ice. Jihoon thinks he'd find good company in Pluto, if it weren't billions of miles away.

 

**—**

 

Soonyoung's never really mad at him. True, he has a temper, but he's no good at holding grudges, and he's always had a soft spot for Jihoon, anyway. Soonyoung's never really mad at him. Soonyoung's never really  _been_  mad at him. He is now, though. Jihoon's got himself to thank for that.

He's not sure why he froze up like that - he's bared his heart before, bawled out half his weight in tears with no one but Soonyoung to cling to - but something about this isn't the same. This isn't just grades, or his perfectionism getting the best of him. This is Jihoon and Soonyoung. This is them, and it's only them.

Soonyoung's been ignoring him all morning, though, so maybe it's one of those damned-if-you do-damned-if-you-don't scenarios.

"He's upset."

"Sorry?"

"Soonyoung, he's upset. What'd you do to him?"

Vernon's looking at him with a genuine curiosity, and Jihoon's wishes he could crush it, wipe that wide-eyed, pinched-brows combo right off his face. He doesn't want to talk about it. He's been having a hard enough time trying not to  _think_  about it.

"Nothing," he lies. "What makes you think he's mad at me?"

"Uh, probably the fact that he hasn't spoken a word to you all day? You came to school separately, that in itself is a red flag."

" ... Are we that easy to read?"

"Like a book," Vernon grins, and then he winces, because he  _knows_  this isn't funny. "Uh, seriously, though. Is everything alright?"

Jihoon hesitates, breath catching while his mind scrambles to come up with an excuse, and Vernon watches him with brows high on his forehead. Eventually, Jihoon sighs, letting his shoulders slump.

"We just had an argument. It's fine, really. Nothing bad. I think he just needs time to get over it."

"Are  _you_  over it?"

"Er, yeah, I'm ... Yeah. It was small, anyway."

It's quiet, then, just for a few minutes. Jihoon turns back to his notebook to jot down whatever's written on the board and Vernon stares blankly at his computer screen - classroom engagement at its finest - and it's just ... quiet. Jihoon was half expecting Vernon to have more to say.

"Maybe you should talk to him."

Ah, there it is. Jihoon scowls.

"What are you, a relationship counselor? I think I know how to handle this."

"No? I don't think you do?" Jihoon glares, and the other boy just shrugs. "Soonyoung's rarely mad at you, and when he is it's always over something petty - he gets over it in like, five minutes. But if this is like a, a real argument? I don't know, Jihoon ... You've never had to deal with that before."

And he's right, Jihoon knows he is.  _Talking about it_  is synonymous with  _confrontation_ , however, and the thought makes Jihoon's stomach crawl with discomfort.

"It doesn't have to be awkward and drawn out," Vernon says. "Just, talk to him. Tell him you're sorry, even if you don't think there's anything to be sorry for. It's worth it, and it makes things better for those of us who have to be around you all the time."

And Jihoon doesn't  _really_  mean to say it, he knows he shouldn't, but it slips out anyway - "I'm not so sure about that. Seungkwan's probably having a field day." Vernon's frown is immediate, and  _oops_.

Jihoon thinks he should really work on his filter, or just his basic understanding of what's appropriate to say at a given time. Maybe then he'd stop putting himself in these situations.

"What do you mean?"

"Ah, nothing. It's nothing."

"You know, Seungkwan doesn't actually have a problem with you and Soonyoung - "

"Yeah, alright. I don't care. I mean, he clearly does, but I don't care. We don't have to talk about it." Jihoon exhales, muttering, "You're just going to take his side, anyway."

Vernon visibly wilts, shoulders drooping. His expression looks weighed with something, although Jihoon's not sure what. He'd like to say it's guilt, but he's not sure that's the case. It's not as if  _he_  ever felt guilty for liking Soonyoung.

"He's just ... I'm not sure what's up with him. But don't take it personally, yeah? He's not trying to be an asshole."

"Maybe if you told him that he  _is_  being an asshole, he'd stop."

Vernon worries his lower lip, eyes distant. "I don't know what's up with him," he says again, and Jihoon's heart tugs in sympathy. He doesn't know, of course. Jihoon's not sure why he was expecting more.

Quietly, he asks, "When will you tell him?" and Vernon doesn't even seem surprised at the question. He knows exactly what Jihoon's referring to. "You have to, at some point."

"Do I really, though? It'll pass. I don't need to screw myself over for something fleeting."

"It's been going on for years, now. I don't think it's fleeting."

When Vernon doesn't respond, opting for minimal eye contact and a fair bit of distance between their seats, Jihoon straightens. "Tell you what," he says, "I'll talk to Soonyoung, try to smooth things out. If I do that, you have to talk to Seungkwan." Vernon's expression takes approximately 0.2 seconds to transition from feigned indifference to absolute horror.

"What the hell? No, why the - Jesus Christ,  _no_."

"Why not?"

"Because, because that - those are two  _completely_  different things!" Jihoon smiles, amused despite the situation. Vernon's got his mouth open and eyes just as wide. "All you have to do is say sorry and  _bam_ , problem solved, but you're asking me to - God, what the fuck. What even. That's an  _awful_  idea."

"I think things would go a lot better than you might expect," Jihoon says simply.

"Would you have ever told Soonyoung?"

"Uh, well - " Jihoon falters, smile slipping. " - no, frankly. But imagine, if Soonyoung hadn't been the first to say something, we would've gone nowhere. Both of us would have continued to like each other and do nothing about it."

"Well, Soonyoung liked you. That's where your situation is different to mine."

Jihoon freezes, stunned by the simple finality of his tone. It's decisive, like this is something Vernon made his mind up about a while ago; like there's no point in believing otherwise, because he'll only find himself disappointed. Jihoon could pick out that sound in an orchestra of others, he's so familiar with it. 

It makes him sad. He's never thought about it too much - it's a given to pretty much anyone who meets them that Seungkwan and Vernon are beyond gone for each other, nothing complex - but he supposes that he and Vernon have a lot in common, when it comes to this sort of thing.

Jihoon has no trouble remembering the way Soonyoung used to make him feel - when he would press friendly kisses to the top of Jihoon's head, or lend his sweatshirt because Jihoon was never  _quite_  warm enough (or so he said). Jihoon remembers burning skin and a heart rattling in its cage, being sickeningly in-love and hating every minute of it. He used to think there was no chance. He was swallowing stars for a boy who'd never love him back, that's what he thought.

Vernon is blind to the point that it's almost funny, but Jihoon understands. He might be the only one who can see where his heart is coming from. Where it's at right now, even.

"I know this whole thing is really overdone," he starts, "you hear it a million times in every one of those terrible romance films - but you'll never know if you don't try. I didn't take my chances, Vernon, but I'm endlessly grateful that Soonyoung did. I'm  _lucky_  that he did. You can sit by and wait for this to pass, but I swear it won't. And who knows if you'll be as fortunate as I was."

Vernon finally looks at him, holding his gaze steady. There's a frown fixed on his face, but it's not upset, just concentrated. Thoughtful.

"If I take your advice, you take mine," he says. "Talk to Soonyoung. Save us all the heartache."

"Save  _you_ the heartache?"

"Yeah. All the times you reached for his hand this morning, and he kept rejecting you? Painful. Jeonghan looked like he was about to cry."

"Fuck you guys."

"All the more reason to make amends, yeah?"

Jihoon's heart feels set, firm.

"Yeah," he says. "You're right."

 

**—**

"Soonyoung - "

"Jihoon - "

They both go still, gazes level and uncertain.

"You first," Jihoon says.

"No, you."

"Uh ... I'm sorry."

Soonyoung looks at him from under pinched brows. "For what?" he asks, and Jihoon groans.

"For - you  _know_  what for, Soonyoung. I'm sorry for being ... kind of an asshole. I just got really awkward, and it wasn't something I felt comfortable talking about and I - I mean, no excuses. It was shitty of me to be like that ... Not very good boyfriend behavior."

Slowly, the tension drains from Soonyoung's expression. His eyebrows settle comfortably, his jaw not so set. His body loses its rigidity. It's like watching a rubber band relax after being pulled taught, Jihoon thinks, and breathing suddenly feels easier for him.

Quietly, Soonyoung says, "It's okay, I get it. I'm sorry for pushing. I should've been more understanding. Are we ... I don't know, are we good?" Jihoon nods, mumbling a forgiveness that he doesn't even think is necessary, and Soonyoung exhales loudly. Rolling his neck and shaking his arms at his sides, he goes, "Oh, thank God. I hated that whole thing. I fucking suck at being mad at you."

Jihoon grins. "Same. I wasn't even mad, just guilty."

"I felt like a dick this morning."

"I'm pretty sure I felt worse."

Soonyoung closes the space between them, wrapping his arms around Jihoon's middle and all but lifting him off the ground. He presses a kiss to Jihoon's forehead, and without moving away, Jihoon can feel him murmuring.

"Let's not do that again. Or, if we do, it can't be over something dumb. That was so, so dumb. I don't know why I got worked up like that."

"No, no. It's, I mean. I was being difficult."

Jihoon's got his head against Soonyoung's chest, eyes closed tight because there's no point in looking at what's around him; when he's got Soonyoung this close, there's no point in being aware of anything else.

"You weren't. You never are. You're the best in the whole world, and I love you so much."

Jihoon's instinct is to protest, laugh like a broken record and say something like  _no, not really,_ or  _that's a bit of a stretch._ He doesn't, though. Instead, he waits for the feeling to fully settle in - all the stars exploding in his chest, burning him up from the inside. The pure adoration he has for this one person; it hasn't dimmed even slightly, not in all the years they've known each other.

It's something about Soonyoung. He can hold Jihoon like this. He can kiss him, tug at his shirtsleeve or his hair or any other part of him, it can be sweet and gentle or anything else - but he can also just hold him, and Jihoon will never feel any less  _vibrant_. The littlest things have the most profound impact, and it's every time.

Jihoon feels like an entire world at Soonyoung's fingertips. He's teeming with life and energy. All it takes is a pair of strong arms, so long as they don't belong to anyone else.

"Can I be gross for like, one second?" he says, voice muffled against Soonyoung's shirt.

"You can be gross whenever you want."

"You mean so much to me."

Jihoon feels a rush of satisfaction when he hears Soonyoung's breath hitch, and he continues.

"No one else makes me happy the way you do. All you have to do is - is  _breathe_. Like, continue to exist, and I'll be content. Just knowing that you're here is enough."

Soonyoung's silent for a while, the only signs that he hasn't shut down completely being his hand rubbing circles against Jihoon's back and warm breath fanning the top of his head. Jihoon can hear someone flipping a page in their book a few shelves over, and he's glad they're in a more secluded area in the library. 

"Jihoon?"

"Hm?"

"You - you're like, the center of my universe."

Jihoon takes a moment to process the words. When he does, he pulls away a little, only to look at the other boy with some mixture of shock and offense.

"Are you kidding me? I just told you that you make me happy, and you're gonna hit me with - with  _that?_  I swear, if you keep one-upping my compliments, I - I don't even know what I'll do. Eventually, I'll be too insecure to say anything." Soonyoung laughs. Jihoon tries to scowl, but it doesn't really work.

"It's true, though! That's just how I feel."

"I thought the universe didn't have a center, anyway. Like, it all happened at the same time. It just exists, and expands. Didn't Stephen Hawking say that? I think Stephen Hawking said that."

" ... You remember?" Soonyoung asks, voice endearingly soft. Jihoon scoffs.

"'Course I do. Believe it or not, I actually pay attention to the shit you tell me."

Soonyoung watches him, holding the kind of look that makes Jihoon feel warm all over. He's constantly embarrassed by the affection, but he also sort of lives off it. He thrives under Soonyoung's gaze.

"Okay, then," Soonyoung says. "There's no center to the universe. But to me, you're the most important part. Is that better?"

Jihoon doesn't even say anything. He lets his face go red and buries it in Soonyoung's chest again, breathing him in and locking his fingers behind the boy's back.

Thriving, he's thriving. The universe exists and expands, and Jihoon's heart does the same.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'd like to mention !! my twitter is @/meighbour, if any of you want to follow me on there. i don't tweet much (i'm shy forgive me) but i'm always happy to chat :'')


	3. Chapter 3

**November**

 

 **IT HAPPENS AGAIN,** the second time within two months. Jihoon's not sure what it is, but Soonyoung  _did_  mention something about Mercury being in retrograde the other week, and he thinks he'd like to beat Mercury's ass for it.

It's so stupid - so, so stupid - but Jihoon refuses to accept that  _maybe_  something is wrong with them, if they're willing to fight over something so pointless. He thinks it's a lot easier to just blame that awful girl who was in his study hall last year.

"Can't you tell her to lay off?" Soonyoung asks. "I swear to God, she's all over you, all the time. As if you haven't already rejected her once."

"Don't be like that," Jihoon mutters, looking down at his notebook. "Tell me, what's the difference between yield stress and yield strength? That'll probably be on the test."

He doesn't register the way Soonyoung's brows are knitted, doesn't even notice the redness in his cheeks - not until the silence stretches on for too long and he has to look up and ask, "Earth to Soonyoung, did you hear me?"

"I'm serious," the other boy says. His voice is low, and Jihoon can feel his heart slipping.

"What is there to be serious about? It's nothing. She's not hurting anyone."

"I don't know, maybe I just don't want someone else throwing themselves at  _my_  boyfriend. Did you consider that?"

Jihoon can feel the mood dropping rapidly, tension stuffing the air like helium in a balloon, and he's only waiting for the moment when it'll all become too much. Balloons pop, if you're not careful. And Jihoon's never careful, not really.

He can't be, not when he's too busy being defensive. He's impulsive and fiery and Soonyoung's told him more than a few times about his Aries moon, how it'll always get him into trouble if he doesn't watch out for it, and he never does. He'd rather argue to win than concede for the sake of peace - which is terrible, but it's not what he's thinking about right now.

"What do you think I'm doing when you're not around?" Jihoon frowns. "It's not as if I'm making out with her."

"Well, you don't seem like you would mind it very much."

" _Christ_ , Soonyoung. Really?"

"What? If you had a problem with it, you would've told her to stop by now."

"I'm not - I don't - " he splutters, trying to compose himself - "You  _know_  how I am, you know I don't like that sort of thing. I've given my fair share of hints, alright, how can I help it if she's not taking any of them?"

"Stop hinting, Jihoon! Just tell her to fuck off, is it so hard?"

"Yes, actually, it is! It might be easy for you to be - to be  _blunt_  like that, but it isn't for me. I can't be confident the way you are, Soon."

Neither one of them is shouting, really. Soonyoung's voice is raised a little, okay, and Jihoon's breath keeps falling short of his lungs - but they're not shouting, and this isn't another fight. This is a perfectly normal discussion between two boyfriends. A disagreement, maybe, but nothing more. It's  _fine_.

Except, it's not.

Soonyoung only seems more upset, scowling. "It's not a matter of confidence, it's respect. You can't be dating me and just - just be  _okay_  with something like this. How am I supposed to take that?"

Jihoon leans his elbows on the counter and rubs his face, groaning. His heart aches, and his head is following suit - pulsing in his chest, in his veins, his temples, a pulsing that  _hurts_.

"Does it matter, Soonyoung? You  _know_  I love you, and I - I'm sorry I'm too shy and awkward to let someone know when they're bothering me, but you cannot tell me this is about respect." He pauses, hesitating for a fraction of a second before shoving the words out carelessly - "No one is disrespecting you, you're just insecure."

And that, that startles them both into a sort of hush.

Jihoon can feel hot, heavy guilt, like tar sticking to the inside of his throat. Soonyoung's eyes are two small Neptunes shaking in their sockets, glassy and wide and  _oh my God, why did you say that? Why don't you think before you speak? Why are you making things worse? Why, why, why?_

Jihoon could choke. He's shot himself out into the atmosphere, not quite reaching space but just where the air is thinnest, and he can't breathe. His lungs might implode. His heart might implode. He'd let them, if it meant not having to look at the damage he's done.

The damage being Soonyoung, with hurt written all over his face. The word  _sorry_  keeps falling off the tip of Jihoon's tongue, but it doesn't seem to be doing any good.

"I - I didn't mean that," he says, trying to save what he can. "I just said it. It was stupid, and I shouldn't have, but I did, and I promise I didn't mean it - "

Soonyoung has a strange look to him, like he's trying to distance himself from the situation while simultaneously hyper-focusing on everything around him - Jihoon's seen it before, and he knows it's not good. There's a cold feeling in his gut, knowing that he's the reason for it.

"Soonie, I'm sorry."

Soonyoung blinks, then, and Jihoon can count four, maybe five beats - panicked and stuttering against his ribcage - before the boy speaks.

"Yield stress is the amount of stress induced in a specimen," he says softly. "Yield strength is just the stress that  _needs_  to be applied. Since you asked," he adds, when Jihoon looks at him curiously.

"No, Soonyoung - "

"They both equal the same, for a given specimen. It's just their meanings that differ."

"Soonyoung."

"Yes?"

"Look at me."

Soonyoung does as he's told, eyes leveling with Jihoon's. It's not a nice feeling, seeing them all soft and vulnerable. He's doing that thing, that one when something's happened and he's trying to act like it hasn't; like Jihoon just hurt him, and he doesn't want to acknowledge it.

They both know it, though. Jihoon thinks he could reach out and grab at his own regret, it's practically tangible.

"I'm sorry," he says again. "You have every right to be upset with me, but don't think for a second that I really meant that, okay? I didn't."

Soonyoung stares at him for a few silent seconds, and then he nods.

"I know you didn't."

They don't hug, there's no make-up kiss. Neither one of them apologizes for being mad in the first place. It's not at all like the first argument they had. This time, there's no pretty pink ribbon to wrap up the damage. This time, the second time, there's nothing to show for it but two hearts looking worse for wear.

Maybe he's just being dramatic. Couples argue, right? That's normal.

Soonyoung and Jihoon rarely do, though, and Jihoon  _does_  have a tendency to overthink.

 

—

 

Jihoon can feel it, the discomfort and remorse, palpable when they're together. It's been a little over a week, and they still have yet to acknowledge what happened. He can't help wondering how they got to this point - when they've never had any trouble speaking before, why now?

Eight months, they've been together. Eight months that had gone by so smoothly, Jihoon had even found himself questioning the legitimacy of all those relationship horrors he'd heard about before. Not that he thinks his and Soonyoung's relationship is anywhere nearthere - the thought makes him shudder - but still. They were doing so good.

Now, the moonlight's testing him. He can't look at it without thinking of Soonyoung, and he can't think of Soonyoung without his chest aching. The sky makes him think of Soonyoung, the stars make him think of Soonyoung. He got a notification the other day from some app he downloaded a while back, reminding him to check his horoscope, and he thought of Soonyoung. His heart's been hurting a whole lot, lately.

He also managed to catch one bitch of a fever, which is fantastic on top of everything else. Now, not only is he beating himself up over what happened, but his brain feels like it's being rammed against the inside of his skull; his throat burns when he swallows, and he has to sleep with his mouth open at night because his nose is so stuffy. Mouth breathing fucking sucks, and it sucks even more when you can't talk to your own boyfriend about it.

(Or, he could, but he doesn't have the nerve to text Soonyoung about it. He could very well be left on read, and Jihoon doesn't think his body is physically prepared to cry over something like that.)

Anyway. You can imagine his surprise when he hears a soft tapping on his window, looking up to see Soonyoung's face pressed against the glass.

He doesn't respond, not right away; he can only stare, perplexed, until Soonyoung makes a show of rubbing his arms and Jihoon realizes he isn't wearing a jacket. His breath is fogging.

He musters what little energy he has left and stumbles out of bed, unlocking the window and ushering the boy in while muttering something about how stupid he is, and _shouldn't you be in class?_  Soonyoung coughs past the cold in his throat and turns to look at him.

"We both have physics first block."

"Yeah, I know. What about it?"

"Well, you weren't there, and ... I mean, I doubt you were skipping class. Figured you were sick, and I thought I should stop by and check on you."

"So,  _you're_  skipping, then?"

Jihoon sees it, the tiniest crack in Soonyoung's hardy exterior. His lips twitch slightly, and he says, "All I had to do was fake a head cold - it's stupid easy to get out of class, honestly."

Jihoon blinks at him, "Okay, but why?" and Soonyoung blinks right back.

"I - I just said, I wanted to check on you, make sure you were doing okay. I know how you get when you're sick ... needy." Jihoon makes a shocked sort of face, bordering on offended, and Soonyoung barks out a laugh.

"I am  _not_  needy," he complains

"You are! You really, really are. You want someone to make you tea and wrap you up in blankets, and give you cuddles - you're so lucky you have me, no one else would be willing to let you that close, being as sick as you are - "

"Lies, you're a liar and you're lying - "

"But don't worry, Jihoonie, I think that's _cute_."

Jihoon's about to snap back with something, anything to save his dignity, but the look on Soonyoung's face stops him.

He's a whole comet, now, all bright and burning; his waxing smile threatens to take up his entire face, and he's breathing light. He looks happy, picture-perfect Soonyoung with his messy hair and nose still red from the cold, and Jihoon's heart tugs.

"Okay," he concedes, settling back into bed, "maybe I do like the extra affection. But if you ever tell anyone that, I'll never speak to you again." Soonyoung giggles.

"Why would I tell? This is the sort of Jihoon I want to keep all to myself, no one else needs to know about him."

Jihoon's not sure if he's burning from the fever or from Soonyoung - probably both, definitely both - as the latter moves to sit on Jihoon's bed. He curls up in the space between Jihoon and the wall, pulling the smaller of them into his arms and resting his chin on his head. Jihoon whines.

"This isn't how it goes. Tea first, then you can hold me."

"Okay, but in a minute. Let's just have this."

They both fall quiet. Soonyoung sighs contentedly, moving only to fix them both in a more comfortable position, and that's when Jihoon knows - this whole thing has been bothering Soonyoung just as much as it's been bothering him. It's almost funny, they're both so bad at handling conflict.

Jihoon's never been one for arguing, avoiding it at all costs, and Soonyoung's the first serious boyfriend he's ever had. Is it normal to feel this bad after fighting over something so petty? He doesn't know. He doesn't know how to go about this at all.

He thinks apologies are always a good first step, but he also doesn't think he has anything to apologize for, so. Maybe they can both get by if they just pretend it never happened.

"Have you been taking care of yourself?"

The question catches him off guard, and Jihoon stammers, "I, uh - well - wait, sorry, what?"

"Have you been taking care of yourself," Soonyoung repeats. "How much did you sleep last night? Did you even have breakfast this morning?" Jihoon rolls his eyes.

"Oh, here we go again," he mutters, and he doesn't have to look to know that frown is back.

"Come on, Jihoon, seriously. I can only do so much for you."

"Alright, but I'm not  _asking_  you to do anything. I don't need a babysitter."

"Are you sure? Because half the time you look like you're on the verge of collapsing, and I try to remind you to eat your meals and take a break from working, sleep early, but - but it's tough, you know? How can I help someone when they don't even want to help themselves?"

Jihoon's silent. He doesn't trust himself to say anything, knowing that, if he does, he might just go and make things bad again. Lately, he's had a penchant for doing so.

"I just worry," Soonyoung says softly. "What will you do once we go off to university? I'm not going to be there to keep you on track."

Oh, and that's all it takes for Jihoon's heart to drop. Anxiety and despair mingle in his stomach, forming some ugly concoction, and it's enough to make him queasy. He doesn't want to talk about this. He says as much.

"Neither do I, to be honest."

"Then don't."

Soonyoung sighs, "You can't just avoid the things that make you uncomfortable, Jihoon. I know you hate it, I hate it, too. It's not something I want to think about, but ... we have to."

Jihoon sits up straighter, and he can feel Soonyoung's grip loosen. He's detaching himself, again, putting space between himself and the issue - the issue being that Soonyoung is more mature than him, more able to handle shit like this. Jihoon can't do that. He doesn't want to do that. 

"I don't see the problem," he huffs. "I go to college, you go to college. We make it work, somehow. What else is there?"

"It's not that easy." Soonyoung's wearing that look, that one Jihoon's so familiar with. It's like pity, but not quite; like he's talking to a child. Like Jihoon's on the verge of unraveling, Jihoon's the one who can't control his emotions, and  _oh no, someone better control the situation before it gets out of hand ..._

He knows Soonyoung doesn't mean it that way, but he hates it nonetheless.

"Why can't I just talk to you?" Soonyoung drags his palm over his face, growing more and more exasperated. "I don't know what it is, but lately you've been so hard to  _talk_  to. You get so mad about everything."

"I'm not mad."

"Mad, frustrated, defensive -  _whatever_ , Jihoon, I don't care. But I'm trying really hard to make things work, and it sucks to feel like I'm the only one."

Oh.  _Oh_.

"Fuck off, Soonyoung. I care just as much as you do."

"Then act like it! You don't  _act like it._  Hell, you barely care about your own well-being, I doubt our relationship is  _that_  high on your list of priorities."

"Please, tell me this is a joke. You're joking, right?" When Soonyoung gives no sign of joking - Jihoon wasn't really expecting one, anyway - he scoffs. "My own boyfriend is going to look me in the eye and tell me I don't give a shit about our relationship. Fucking incredible."

"I'm just asking for a little  _effort_ , Jihoon - "

Jihoon shoves himself away so they're no longer touching, and there's a short little choking noise Soonyoung makes when he cuts himself off. Jihoon's tired, he's got a horrible headache and his voice is nasally when he speaks, but he sits on the opposite end of the bed with his arms crossed. He tries to glare, though he probably comes across looking just as helpless as Soonyoung does.

"I don't need you to lecture me," he says, and his voice shakes. "I know how to handle myself, I know - I know we're going to be okay, and the future isn't something we need to stress about right now, so long as we keep telling ourselves we'll be  _okay_  - "

"Jihoon, hey, calm down, alright?"

"No, I don't want to, I -  _I_   _can't calm down_ , Soonyoung. I've been losing sleep over this for weeks now and - and you bringing it up makes it feel so much more  _real_ , like I'm not just overthinking and it's not all in my head but it's actually something to worry about and I - I can't  _handle_  that - "

Soonyoung reaches out tentatively, cautious, and takes Jihoon's hand in his. His palm is clammy and it's definitely noticeable, but Soonyoung only hushes him and rubs the back of his knuckles. "It's okay," he says, and it's strange how something spoken so softly can still hurt a world's worth. "It's okay. Of course we'll be okay, Jihoon, there's no question about it. Why didn't you tell me you were worried?"

"I didn't - " he breathes, trying to compose himself, force his heart back into its cage. "I didn't want to bother you with it. It - I just thought it would be like, a burden. I didn't want to do that to you." When he inhales, he nearly chokes, and Soonyoung hesitates before answering.

"You're a Sagittarius. You wanna know something about Sagittarius?" Jihoon doesn't even get the chance to question him before he continues. "They're terribly independent, individualistic to a fault. They don't want to rely on other people. Whether they think it's because they don't need the help, or they don't want to risk ruining something - they just don't." He pauses.

" ... But you wanna know what else? They're so optimistic, and so,  _so_  open to change. They handle it better than anyone else. And - And university is going to be a change - not being able to see each other every single day, that's going to be a change - but if anyone can handle it, it's going to be you, Jihoon."

Jihoon's reluctant, letting his voice stretch for a moment before asking, "Is that true?"

"Well, it's only astrology," Soonyoung says, moving closer so that their knees are touching, "but I believe it with my whole heart. And you can  _talk_  to me, you never have to worry about being a burden. God, Jihoon, all I ever  _want_  is to talk to you."

Jihoon sniffs and pulls his hand away from Soonyoung's, only to swipe at his nose. He's not crying, but his eyes are stinging a bit and there's definitely a pressure behind them, so he allows himself to fall forward. Soonyoung catches him and rubs soothing circles against his back.

"I'm sorry," he says, muffled against Soonyoung's chest. "I'm sorry for being so difficult and moody all the time. I'm sorry times one hundred." Soonyoung laughs softly.

"It's fine, don't worry."

"Do we have to talk about university now? Can we ... I dunno. Can we save it for later?"

" ... Yeah. Yeah, okay."

Soonyoung takes Jihoon's shoulders and pushes him up so that he's sitting straight, grins right down at him. "You still want your tea?" he asks, and Jihoon nods weakly. "I'll be right back, and then we can watch Netflix. There's this documentary about Yuri Gagarin I've been meaning to watch, and - "

"Just go," Jihoon croaks, laughing and shoving the other off the bed.

Soonyoung stops at the doorway, if only to look at him one more time, and  _fuck_ , Jihoon's whipped.

One look, that's all; they could fight about every little thing under the sun, but it only takes one shiny, star-filled glance for Jihoon to melt completely.

He's a puddle of affection and feelings, but he's Soonyoung's entirely.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> holy shit i am so... bad.... at writing angst. i don't even know if i can call this angst honestly i'm. i'm just sorry
> 
> (this was supposed to end on a way sadder note but i went totally off track and uhhh Here We Are)
> 
> i've mentioned before that my twitter is @/meighbour, but i'm actually way more active on tumblr if you wanna find me there !! (@/04ngel is my main blog, @/offswoozi is my svt blog) - i'm fine with either platform but i'm really just useless on twitter lmao i'm Sorry
> 
> anyway !! thank you so much for reading !! again, i'm sorry updates are a bit slow, but hopefully this is worth the wait??? maybe???? ????


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello friends !! i was thinking i would post this tomorrow, but i felt bad for already taking a week to finish it and got a little impatient with myself, so i decided to put it up a little earlier ;(( i hope you all have a happy new year nonetheless !! you all deserve lots of good things in 2019, you really do <3
> 
> this chapter was my chance to incorporate a tiny bit of verkwan,, which was honestly completely self indulgent lmao - but i hope it fits in well!! i'm worried it stands out awkwardly with the rest of the story, but i guess i'll leave that up to you to decide ;(
> 
> i also had a lot of fun writing the last bit,, i tried to make it extra sweet to make up for the last chapter :'') i hope you all like it !! <3

**December**

**JIHOON'S BEING PUSHY,** he knows, but he can't help it. He did his part, now it's Vernon's turn.

"I'm gonna be honest," the boy says. "I didn't think that we'd actually get to this point."

"What, you thought Soonyoung was just going to be mad at me forever?"

"Well, no, but. I didn't think you were going to hold me to my end of the deal."

Jihoon squints at him, lips pursed in annoyance, and it's mean, it really is. He's doing the sort of thing that he would hate to see anyone else doing, being all invasive and assertive. But still, he did his part. It's only  _fair_.

"You don't even have to be particularly bold," he says. "Make a move, flirt or something. I'm not asking you to propose."

"You might as well be - just the thought of flirting with Seungkwan makes me feel like I'm about to break out in hives." Vernon shudders, and Jihoon rolls his eyes -  _dramatic_.

"That's funny, because I've been watching you two do it for the last three years now." This earns him a glare, something pointed and unamused, and he sighs. "Listen, I won't force you to do anything, but I'm thinking it's about time." Vernon lets his eyes drop, and any trace of malice is gone from them in an instant. He looks worn out.

"Can we go back to when everything was about you and Soonyoung?" he asks. "I don't want to be a part of the bigger picture. I'm perfectly happy going on the way I always have."

"Aw, that's no fun," Jihoon smiles wryly, shoving the boy's shoulder lightly.

They're not in class, this time - the two had decided to hang out at Jihoon's, at least until Soonyoung got out of dance practice and they could go meet up with the others - so when the quiet settles, it's  _only_  quiet. No pencils scratching on paper and no keyboards clicking. No white noise, just them and their thoughts.

For once, Jihoon's head is still. For once, he's not the one with a million nerves dotting in and out of his brain. In fact, that might just be Vernon, this time.

"How are you and Soonyoung, anyway?" the latter asks.

"I told you, we're good now."

"No, but like, actually good? Or are you ignoring all your problems again?" It's half-joking, but only half. Vernon's got some semblance of a smile on his face, kind of like his instinct was to be lighthearted, but he gave up midway through. It just looks awkward, like he made himself uncomfortable with his question.

Jihoon rolls his shoulders and tries not to sound apprehensive when he says, "Whoa, okay, Dr. Chwe. That came out of nowhere." Vernon shrugs apologetically.

"I mean, are you? No offense, but it wouldn't be the first time."

"Jesus, you're really coming at me like this? Um, no, we're fine. For real. We're not  _ignoring_  our problems, we just ... haven't addressed them yet."

Vernon sits up, a silent  _aha_  painted over his expression. "Ah, so there are problems, then?" he asks, and Jihoon grimaces.

"No, no, that's - they're not problems, that's not the right word, it's just ... some stuff we have to talk about. Big stuff, adult stuff. Stuff that I'd really rather not focus on for the time being, but we will, eventually." He doesn't have to spell it out. Vernon's smart enough to guess what it is he's talking about.

"Sounds like work."

"It is work. Relationships are work, Vernon."

Vernon whistles, leaning back on Jihoon's sofa with his hands behind his head. He stares at the ceiling when he says, almost absently, "And here you are trying to get me into one, five months before graduation. Is it really worth it, then?"

Oh, that's not something Jihoon had considered before. Is it worth it? Their relationship, what will inevitably turn into long-distance and a whole lot of heartache - is it worth it?

"Well, yeah," he says, like it's the most obvious thing in the world. "When you care about someone enough, it's always worth it. Anyway, you and Seungkwan could definitely pull through."

Vernon glances over, then, catching Jihoon's eye and holding it. The moment feels heavy, not exactly solemn, but meaningful. "You and Soonyoung, too," he says. "Not that it even needs to be said. You two were like, made for each other."

It's a little grandiose, to say such a thing. They're young, barely adults; to be made for someone, and to have already met that person ... it's a bold assumption, and Jihoon's never been big on the whole 'soulmate' trope. He's always taught himself to never get his hopes up, because the higher they are, the harder the fall will be.

In that second, though, he remembers something Soonyoung had told him a while back - for all they know, the universe is temporary. The earth is temporary; the sun, every moon and comet out there, none of it will last forever. Everything fizzles out, eventually.

So, maybe he's getting his hopes up. Maybe he's being naive.

But maybe he and Soonyoung were made for each other, and if endings are so inevitable, maybe it's okay to believe that. He thinks he'd really like to, anyway.

 

—

 

The moon is waning - waning gibbous? That's what Soonyoung said. "It's getting smaller, darker," he'd said. "In about a month, it'll be full again."

They went out to eat, all of them, as a sort of early celebration for Joshua's birthday. Soonyoung came back from practice, showered and changed, and left with Vernon and Jihoon to meet the rest - and it was good. For all the shit he talks, Jihoon really does love spending time with his friends.

Oh, but he loves this more.

Hours later, Jihoon's sat on the edge of his balcony, swinging his legs while Soonyoung scans the sky. He's got his head resting on Jihoon's shoulder, and it's freezing below zero, but Jihoon doesn't feel all that cold.

"Stars are warm, right?" he asks, voice far-away even to his own ears.

"Yes. Stars are almost entirely made up of very, very hot hydrogen and helium, and if I remember correctly, we learned that in middle school." Jihoon exhales shortly.

"Right, I know. Just wanted to make sure."

"Why?"

"No reason."

Jihoon can feel him shifting, looking at him out of the corner of his eye, but keeps his own eyes down on the ground beneath them. When Soonyoung smiles, his face stretches and his cheeks get all full, and Jihoon feels that, too. He feels his own chest filling with something golden and glimmering; something affectionate.

He's probably said it before, the thought's definitely crossed his mind a number of times - but Soonyoung, he's a star. A ball of energy and heat, all shimmering, dancing and beautiful. He makes things brighter.

"Vernon says he thinks we were made for each other."

It's spoken so softly, barely a ripple in the surrounding silence, but it slips out too suddenly for Jihoon to feel casual about it. It sounds loud to him, like something hard and heavy breaking the water. Is that too forward, too much? Jihoon's never wanted to be too much.

But Soonyoung doesn't seem to think it is. He hesitates, pondering, before he answers, "Well, sure. Time and space have existed for billions of years, and what are the odds that we get to experience  _this_  particular lifetime together? I think it means something."

Jihoon's holding his breath, holding his heart in his hands. He's dazzled and overwhelmed and a hundred other shades of stupefied, and Soonyoung doesn't even have to look at him to make him feel that way. "What do you think it means?" he asks, and he can barely form the words.

Now, Soonyoung looks at him.

"I know you don't believe in stuff like fate, Jihoon, but it feels like we were given a chance. Maybe we  _were_  made for each other."

And God, if Soonyoung's willing to believe that, so is Jihoon. He'll wrap himself up in whatever fate is out there and revel in its warmth, and he'll be thankful. Of all the people he could've been caught with, of all the starry-eyed idiots out there that he could have been made for - he's just happy it's Soonyoung.

 

—

 

From where's he's sat, Jihoon can scan their table and see every one of them wide-eyed and glancing at each other - except for Vernon, who's staring at his plate, and Seungkwan, who had to go make up a test he missed the other day and isn't sitting with them.

He'd only been somewhat paying attention to the conversation, looping in and out of consciousness, and didn't even realize the change in atmosphere until Soonyoung started choking, effectively catching his attention.

Now, something risky must have been said, or offensive, because they're all still. Even Seokmin can't seem to find it in him to crack a joke, and the only reason Jihoon's not asking what happened is that he's not sure he wants to know. It's actually Seungcheol who breaks the silence.

"Wait, you're going on a - a  _date_  date?

Oh, okay. Jihoon thinks he gets the context, now.

"A ... A date?" Vernon still isn't looking up. "Like, like a date. I don't know. I don't know how else to explain this, do you want me to pull out a dictionary, or - ?"

He's interrupted by Joshua, grinning from ear to ear and clapping him hard on the back. "Are you serious? Oh my God, let's  _go_." Vernon looks a little bit like a small animal, cornered and afraid. Jihoon has to press his lips tight to keep from laughing.

"I - I don't understand ... ?"

"Did you ask him?" Joshua asks. "Hold on, did you make it clear that this is a date? Because, knowing Seungkwan, he could just think that you're going out for coffee, like, as a friendly thing - "

"No, no. I mean, I said, 'Do you want to go for coffee with me?' and he said yes, and I said, 'Okay, cool. It's a date.' I ... I mean, hope that was clear enough."

Jihoon can feel his chest swelling with some pride. Jeonghan's leaning back in his chair, looking like a delighted mother, and Minghao's smile is stretched wide enough that it might hurt. Vernon seems awkward, but, well. He usually does. "It's not a big deal," he says, chewing his lip.

Jihoon's not one for dramatics, so he doesn't offer much more than a smile and thumbs up, but he gets it; that rush of satisfaction. Like, yes, wonderful, great -  _they're finally getting somewhere._ Judging by everyone else's reaction, they're thinking the same thing, and Jihoon wonders if this is what it was like for them when he and Soonyoung got together. The thought makes him feel tingly, sort of pleased.

 

—

 

It's later that evening, sipping tea in Jihoon's kitchen, that Soonyoung says, "Maybe Seungkwan will stop beating on us, now."

"Oh, for sure. You're welcome for that.

"For what? What did you do?"

"Who do you think encouraged Vernon to ask him out? I'm not trying to take all the credit, but - well, that's exactly what I'm doing. It was all me." Soonyoung grins.

"Oh, my Jihoonie, relationship expert. Who would have thought?" Jihoon laughs lightly, partly because who, him? A relationship expert?

In truth, and maybe this hasn't been too hard to figure out, Jihoon knows very little about how these things should go. He knows he loves Soonyoung, and he knows he'd do just about anything to make them work, and that's really all there is to it. He won't say that, though.

It doesn't matter, anyway, because then Soonyoung's talking again, and he's on a completely different track.

"Can you believe it's already December?"

"I can," Jihoon says, pouring himself a bowl of cereal. "We passed Christmas already, I think that's enough time for me to fully realize what time of year it is." Soonyoung's smile is small, eyes glistening.

Quietly, he says, "Yeah. Few more months, and we're out of here."

"Huh, why am I not excited to hear that?"

"Jihoon."

"Yeah?"

"We're going to have to talk about it, eventually."

Jihoon caps the milk and puts it back in the fridge, sighing as the door shuts. He hates this, how quickly the mood drops when they broach the subject of separation. He wishes he were a bit stronger, a bit more able to handle real life. Real life is tough, though, and he's just not.

"You are," Soonyoung assures him. "Remember what I said? If anyone can take this on, it's you. And - And this doesn't have to be some big, serious discussion - I only want to make sure, you know ... we'll be alright. I don't want you worrying."

 _I'm not worrying_. Jihoon almost says it. It's a bald-faced lie, though, and they both know it, so he keeps his mouth shut and lets Soonyoung continue.

"We'll text and call each other every day, and visit whenever we can - "

"Oh, my God."

"What?"

"I hate that."

Jihoon wasn't prepared to have this conversation, he had no chance to suit himself up with reassurances and fake-confidence. The more Soonyoung talks about it, the more it sets in; the more aware Jihoon is of the fact that, in less than a year, they're going to be off and on their own. For the first time since they were children, Soonyoung's physical presence won't be there with him. Soonyoung frowns.

"I know you do. But - But we'll make it, yeah? There are tons of other couples who do the same thing, and it works out just fine - "

"I don't want to split up," Jihoon says, and Soonyoung begins to stammer.

"W-We - What? No, of course not, we - that definitely won't happen. Jihoon, you don't have to be pessimistic, you know? You're allowed to hope. If nothing else, that's what's going to keep us together."

 _You're allowed to hope_. High hopes, harder falls.

And a temporary universe.

"Okay," he breathes. "I'll hope."

"Thank you."

Soonyoung smiles again, and Jihoon finally allows himself to do the same. Genuinely, sincerely. Soonyoung reaches over to rub his arm, and Jihoon thinks he can see his skin glowing under his touch.

"I had a dream last night," Soonyoung says.

"Yeah? What about?"

"I was in your room, but it was just me, by myself, and I was looking out the window. I couldn't hear her, but I think the moon was talking to me. Like, I understood what she was telling me, but she wasn't actually speaking."

"Naturally. Inanimate things don't speak, after all."

Soonyoung hits his arm, just softly, and says, "Hey, don't be rude. You know what she said?"

"What?"

"She said, 'Please take care of Jihoon. Make sure he gets all his rest, and he doesn't skip any of his meals.' She said that, Jihoon. She's looking out for you, and you're insulting her." Jihoon rolls his eyes, not even trying to smother his smile.

"She really said that?" Soonyoung hums, nodding. "You sure that's not just you trying to get your point across? Because, trust me, you have."

"I'm certain, it was definitely her. See, I have a very close relationship with the moon - " Jihoon snorts - "and she sees how much I love you, so now she's loving you, too. She only wants the best for you, Jihoonie, just like I do."

Jihoon watches Soonyoung, amused. He's got his chin resting in his palm and his cereal pushed to the back of his mind, and the look on his face must be comical. Dreamy, even, and he knows it is, because that's how he feels - dreamy, lost in clouds, balancing on skylines with Soonyoung at his side.

He zones out for a moment, but feels himself colliding with reality once more when a sharp  _click!_ sounds, and he blinks against some flashing light. Soonyoung chuckles and tucks his phone back into his pocket.

"You were giving me some major heart-eyes just then, and I wanted to capture the moment, maybe even send it to the groupchat later - oh, oh no, the heart-eyes are gone, I drove them away, I'm sorry." Jihoon glares, and he can feel the force of Soonyoung's laughter when he reaches out to shove his chest.

"You're cute until you say shit like that," he grumbles, and Soonyoung laughs harder.

"No, I'm cute no matter what."

Jihoon bites back a snarky response, figuring he might as well not waste his breath - Soonyoung's right, he is, and there's nothing Jihoon can say to make it seem like he doesn't believe it.

Jihoon continues to burn, feeling himself turn pink to the very corners of his eyes, and Soonyoung continues, "Anyway, will you not stay up so late, tonight? Sleep when I sleep, please?"

"Pros and cons, please," Jihoon says, only to tease him.

"Okay, cons? None. Pros?  You won't wake up grouchy and sleep deprived, and you won't end up spending more money on more coffee throughout the day. A good night's sleep is also good for your heart, and you get to dream longer. And, you know, it would make me happy."

Jihoon's going soft again; limbs like jello and a heart full of honey, sweet and thick with feeling. He's always liked autonomy, having complete control over himself. He likes being able to say he can sustain himself.

In reality, though, he's not so good at that sort of thing, and there's something undeniably wonderful that comes with being cared for - especially when Soonyoung's the one caring.

"Alright," he says quietly. "I'll try."

Soonyoung's smile is full and immediate, and he leans over to kiss him, leaving soft, small pecks all over his face. "Thank you, my beautiful, sweet, Aries moon boy."

"Okay, calm down," Jihoon laughs, but doesn't push him away. "I didn't know this was the reaction I'd get. Maybe I should tuck in early every night."

"Maybe you should," Soonyoung agrees, "even when I'm not around to ask you to. I'd rest so much easier knowing you're taking good care of yourself."

Even when he's not around, Jihoon thinks. The sweetness of the moment is dampened, but only a little. He's too distracted to focus on it, anyway, when Soonyoung finally stops kissing his cheeks, and starts kissing his lips, instead. He even slides off his chair, if only to lessen the space between them.

Jihoon is tangled, knotted with love and folded over with emotion. His kitchen light could be the moon, and Soonyoung's eyes, clear and shining when he pulls away to look at him, could be stars. There are tiny, golden bits of  _something_  in them, and Jihoon thinks that if he looks long and hard enough, he might be able form constellations.

His heart bends, curling in on itself and springing outward in a leap at the sound Soonyoung makes as he smiles; a soft gasp at the back of his throat, swooping glee. "You're really fun to kiss," he says, and his giggle sends something fluttering through Jihoon's stomach. "Have I mentioned that?" Jihoon holds his gaze, so steady compared to the nerves rattling his body.

"I think it's time for bed, dummy."

Soonyoung is Jihoon's night view, moonlight tucked under covers while the blinds are drawn. He doesn't take long to knock out (he never does) and Jihoon, for once, closes his eyes; he drifts out into space, where all his dreams are planets and the stars sing lullabies for him.

His heart matches the rhythm of Soonyoung's breathing, and that's how he falls asleep.


	5. Chapter 5

**January**

 

 **THE NEW YEAR** comes in bright, flashing lights and way too many bodies to count. They're crowded and moving, packed into different rooms so that Jihoon has to flatten himself out to get by them; at one point, Soonyoung grabs for his wrist and refuses to let go, saying, "You're small, and I don't want to lose you." Jihoon doesn't even bother trying to hit him for it.

When he speaks, he has to shout to be heard over the music. "I would've rather celebrated at home. Do you know how upset my mom was when I told her I'd be going out? To think, I left her for this." Soonyoung grins.

"Listen, we're here because Jun and Minghao asked us to come. Supportive friends, yeah?"

"Jun and Minghao haven't spoken a word to us since we got here - in fact, I think Jun might've not shown up at all. Has anyone seen him?"

Soonyoung doesn't answer, simply tightening his grip and pulling Jihoon along further until they reach the back door, and then they're outside, and the air is cool and fresh and there's room to actually breathe it all in - and Jihoon sighs, relaxing.

"Thank God. Why didn't we come out here sooner?"

Soonyoung's smile doesn't leave his face, and Jihoon follows him until they reach some part of the yard that isn't littered with drunk teenagers and empty beer cans. He scrunches his nose when Soonyoung motions for him to sit down on the ground - it rained earlier, the grass is wet - and scrunches it more when he says, "You can sit on my lap, if you want?"

"Yeah," Jihoon mumbles, pulling his sweatshirt off and throwing it down, "that's not happening."

Soonyoung's pretty at night - Soonyoung's pretty all the time, damn it, but it's something about these late hours that make him look all the more glorious. Moonlight, starlight, muted indigo clouds and the way the sky shifts from black to blue to black again. It paints Soonyoung something lovely, makes him out to be exactly the sort of beautiful he is. Jihoon thinks this is how Soonyoung is meant to be seen. Jihoon thinks Soonyoung was  _made_  for the nighttime.  

"Not fair," he mumbles, pressing up against the other boy.

"What is?"

"You. You look so nice. I feel like I've just hiked through a jungle, but one where all the trees are people, and it's way too humid. I feel gross. Probably look like it, too."

"Shut up," Soonyoung laughs, and the sound of it is breathy, nearly whispered. "You look good all the time. Like, now? Gorgeous. Ethereal. The love of my life is so handsome."

Jihoon snorts and shoves him weakly, burning so bright he thinks astronauts on the moon could see him glowing. He says, "Alright, be quiet, dumbass," and Soonyoung laughs louder. "Love of my life," he repeats. "You're so dramatic."

"Okay, yeah, but it's true - I love you."

"Stop," Jihoon mutters. He doesn't have the energy to hit him again, so he turns his head and buries his face in the material of his hoodie. It smells like Soonyoung, all familiar and comforting, warm, and Jihoon almost wants to curl into him completely. He could burrow into Soonyoung's chest, wrap himself around the boy's heart, and he'd be content. He wouldn't ever leave.

He can't do that, though, so he settles for, "I love you, too."

They're quiet, sitting like that for a while. There's a lot of noise all around them, kids shouting and laughing, and Jihoon thinks he can even hear Seokmin singing - screaming? - somewhere distant. He feels awfully melancholic.

"It's January," Soonyoung whispers, voicing Jihoon's thoughts. "This is probably one of the last high school parties we'll ever go to. Bet you're happy about that, yeah?"

"Strangely, I'm not," he says honestly. "I'm happy here, like this. Even if I hate parties, I like being with you. Things are always nicer with you." Soonyoung makes a noise that Jihoon thinks is meant to be another laugh, but it just comes out sounding nervous. Sort of choked.

"Hey, don't get all sappy on me. I've done a good job of keeping it together, so far."

"Have you?"

"Yeah, I have, but when you say stuff like that ... " He breaks off, and Jihoon can't see with the way he's got his eyes shut so tight, but he thinks he can hear Soonyoung's little sniffle. There's something raw at the back of his throat when he says, "I'm happy here, too, Jihoon. I don't want to leave."

"What if - What if we didn't have to?" Jihoon pulls away to finally look at him, and his heart breaks a little at the sight. Cheeks red, nose red, and it's not from the cold. Eyes, red.

"And how could we do that?" he asks. "We've got our plans, we've had them for the last three years, and they don't line up. You'll do your thing, and I'll do mine ... but we'll still have each other." Jihoon frowns. He's chewing his lower lip, not even realizing until Soonyoung brushes his thumb over it and tells him to stop.

"It would be so ideal if we both wanted the same thing. You know, like, school."

Soonyoung snorts, he says, "That's your Libra Venus talking. Ideal, you only want the ideal version of something, Jihoon. Things aren't always like that, though. Sometimes, you've got no other choice but to settle for less."

"I don't like settling for less. I like you, Soonyoung. I  _love_  you."

Soonyoung doesn't say anything to that, not right away. He's fidgeting, with his fingers thrumming against the ground and his breathing uneven, and it's probably only been a minute, but Jihoon feels like he's waited a long time before Soonyoung responds. A long time spent thinking; time spent churning over words and feelings and all the ideals out there.

A long time that leads up to one simple sentiment - "Good things always come back to those who deserve it. And we'll deserve it," he says. "Long distance fucking sucks, and for that, we'll deserve something good."

"Something happy?" he asks, and Soonyoung nods.

"Something happy."

He sounds so sure, and Jihoon wants to believe him more than anything.

 

**—**

 

Jihoon spends the rest of the night turning over some idea, something he'd said earlier that evening -  _It would be so ideal if we wanted the same thing._

What does Jihoon want? He wants Soonyoung, he wants to be with Soonyoung, he wants to never have to leave him. He doesn't want distance. He doesn't want that strain on their relationship. It's a great, vast expanse of  _want_ , something that covers the sky and blankets the stars entirely. He knows what he  _wants_  out of life.

A lot of things, but Soonyoung most of all. Jihoon's willing to make sacrifices to keep him.

 

**—**

 

"So, what's the mood for tonight?"

It's dark in Soonyoung's room, all the lights turned out except for one lava lamp and some light-up Buzz Aldrin figurine Soonyoung got for his eighth birthday, and Jihoon has to stretch his voice a bit when he starts yawning. "A movie, dinner? Or will you let me kick your ass at Mario Kart again?" Soonyoung scoffs.

"Yeah, right, no. I figured I'd spare you this time, so no documentary - and that means that the next time we do a movie night, you  _cannot_  force me to watch Black Panther again - "

"Can I ask, why do you hate art?"

"It's hard to not get sick of something once you've seen it seven times." Jihoon sighs, rolling his eyes, and Soonyoung smiles tenderly. "Anyway. No movie, but can we run down to the convenience store?"

"It's - Soonyoung, it's like, ten in the evening."

"Yeah, and the store doesn't close 'till eleven. You asked what the mood is, and I'm saying it's hunger. I'm hungry. There's nothing in the kitchen. I'm craving banana milk and moon pies."

Jihoon stares at him for a solid five seconds, something deadpan, and Soonyoung doesn't even seem fazed. "Fine," he caves. "I'm a terrible boyfriend for encouraging bad habits, but fine."

It's not a very long journey, really. The walk over is short and it takes Soonyoung even less time to find what he wants and pay for it, but it's cold outside, and Jihoon can't help the scowl frozen onto his face during the way back. Soonyoung notices, and pokes his side.

"Hey, don't be so grumpy. Look, let me show you something."

Soonyoung's pace slows, and Jihoon has to clench his jaw against winter's bite while he listens to the boy get started on something he read about in a book. He's always got something to say, it seems. It's sort of endearing. Jihoon likes the way Soonyoung's mind works, and he likes hearing it work out loud -

\- and maybe Soonyoung knows that, because then his voice is picking up a little on the edge of excitement, and he's gesturing out at the vast expanse above them. He's pointing at different parts of the sky, naming the stars that he can and rambling facts about the planets, and  _did you know black holes don't actually swallow matter? They generate such a large tidal force - if you got close to one, you'd just end up being stretched thin, like a noodle._

He's telling Jihoon to look, look here, look there,  _look how pretty_ , but Jihoon doesn't want to look out into space; he only wants to see Soonyoung. They're one and the same, anyway, except Soonyoung might be more beautiful.

"Jihoonie, are you listening to me? You should pay more attention, you know, the ground is slippery and if you're not careful enough, you could - "

"Soonyoung," Jihoon interrupts, "as much as I love hearing you talk about these things, we really could be walking a lot faster right now. You can't tell me all about tidal forces inside, where it's warm?"

Soonyoung blinks at him, and there are little clouds floating past his lips when he breathes. He seems to think for a few moments before he says, "Do you ever just, like, do something? For no reason other than to do it?" Jihoon's brows knit, and he shakes his head.

"What do you mean?"

"Like - Like maybe I didn't actually care about banana milk or moon pies - but I just thought, you know, there's a convenience store down the street. Why don't we go there? And like, I knew it was cold, but I wanted to do it anyway. My fingers kind of burn right now and maybe my ears hurt, but I wanted to do it. Just because I knew I could, and I knew I could do it with you."

He inhales, and for just that second, the world goes still; the wind won't whisper anymore, and there's just that breath, that pause, the way Jihoon's heart jumps when Soonyoung clasps their hands together before he says, "It sounds really dumb, doesn't it? Doing something just for the sake of doing it. I'll do just about anything if it's with you, though."

And oh, Jihoon thinks, what's he going to do with a love like this?

 

**—**

 

It's late, late into the night when he thinks of it. Those sacrifices, yeah? With Soonyoung silent beside him, chest rising and falling slowly; he's so lovely when he sleeps, so peaceful, and Jihoon likes to pretend that if he presses himself up close enough at night, he'll see Soonyoung in his dreams.

Jihoon loves Soonyoung. He loves him like he can't go a whole day without seeing him at least once, like he misses him on the rare nights they can't spend together. Jihoon loves Soonyoung like he wants to see him even in his sleep, painted all bright and smiling on the backs of his eyelids, and what's he going to do with that?

Save it, treasure it, hold on to it for as long as he can.

"Soonyoung," he whispers. It's dark in the room, grainy against his vision, and he knows the boy is already asleep but he wants to say it anyway. "Soonyoung, I'm not leaving. You're gonna do everything you've always wanted to do, you're gonna - you're gonna do so well, you'll be so happy, and I'll be with you the whole time. I don't care about my plans. They're fucking nothing if they don't involve you."

He breathes in sharply, thinking it over. He's right, he's being honest when he says it. He would rework his whole future around Soonyoung if he had to, and he wouldn't mind it. That would be acceptable, wouldn't it? If he spoke to the moon, if he asked her what she thought -

"Would she say it's acceptable, Soonyoung?" His voice is soft, so soft. "Would she back me up on this? You said she loves me, you said she wants the best for me - and this is it, Soonie. This is what I want. It's what I think is best." He exhales slowly, not taking his eyes off the ceiling.

"This would probably matter a lot more if you were actually awake to hear it. But there it is, Soonyoung. I love you. I'm sorry I don't express it well enough, but I do."

He swallows hard, then, past all the feeling in his throat and the sickly taste that comes with it. He'll close his eyes, he'll try to get some sleep. He'll worry about it in the morning.

 

**—**

Jihoon sort of wishes morning never came.

For starters, Soonyoung isn't next to him when he wakes up - which, alright, shouldn't be that strange, but Soonyoung is  _always_ there when he wakes up and Soonyoung  _always_  waits for him before getting out of bed. The space beside him is cold, and Jihoon gets this premonition - something unsettling, like a cold wire against his back - 

\- and then he goes downstairs, and Soonyoung is uncharacteristically quiet, frowning. That's the second red flag, that's when the alarm bells start going off in Jihoon's head. That's when Jihoon says, "You're up early."

"I mean, yeah. The grind never stops, Jihoon."

"I hate that you just said that. I also hate that you look like this."

"Like what?"

"Like, sad. I don't know. You can't look upset while you're quoting some dumb fucking meme, it doesn't work that way." Jihoon cracks a half smile, all nervous energy and apprehensive, but Soonyoung doesn't seem to appreciate the joke. He barely responds at all, even.

"Hey," he tries again, "what's the matter?"

Soonyoung shrugs. "Nothing."

"Okay, right, but you're lying."

Soonyoung sighs, finally looking over to meet Jihoon's gaze, and oh, that's different.

Soonyoung looks at him like it's strenuous to do so, like the mere act of dragging his eyes halfway across the room is work. They're heavy-lidded and blank, and Jihoon knows what that means. Soonyoung's had it, he's frustrated and tired. It's not a pleasant look.

"Come on, what's bothering you?" Jihoon asks, and his voice sounds weaker, this time.

" ... Can we talk?"

Oh, that doesn't sound good. Jihoon tries to laugh, but it comes out strained.

"We're talking right now, aren't we?"

"No, I mean - I want to talk about - fuck, wait, give me a minute - " Soonyoung interrupts his own stammering with a groan, holding both hands up to his face so Jihoon can't see his eyes - they're probably closed, anyway, squeezed shut like they are when he gets exasperated - and the latter can feel his heart tumbling around in his chest. If it keeps up, it'll start to bruise.

Once he's composed, Soonyoung starts again.

"You need to stop freaking out, Jihoon."

" ... Come again?"

"Last night, I heard you. I heard everything you said and - and stop panicking, okay? I've told you so many times and I - I  _keep_ telling you, there's nothing to worry about. Long-distance relationships are hard, but I don't want you jumping to extremes in order to avoid - "

"Soonyoung, hold on - "

"No, Jihoon, I need you to  _listen_  to me. Why can't you trust me? Why can't you just believe me when I say we're going to be just fine? Whether you like it or not, we're separating. You need to accept that. You're only making things more difficult by worrying so much."

Jihoon has to remind himself to breathe - his thoughts are picking up, starting to run faster, and his mouth feels dry - he wants to tell himself to calm down, because he always overreacts and it never turns out good, but it's no use. He's rambling before he can think to stop himself.

"I can't, I can't help it, Soonyoung. I can't help worrying. I'm anxious, alright, and I feel sick at the thought of leaving you and - oh my God, I'm  _not_  as strong as you think I am." His words tremble when they hit the open air, and he can feel the nerves twitching under his skin. "I'm needy and stubborn and weak and - and it's frustrating, I know it is, that I'm so bad at being alone, but I love you, I just want to  _be_  with you," he pauses. "Is that so horrible?"

The room is silent, the kind that rings in his ears and presses hard into his temples, and Soonyoung can only stare at him. Those eyes, so glassy and clear; Jihoon almost can't bear the weight of them. If he were a little nearer, he thinks he'd like to try searching them. He'd dig to find some of their familiar warmth. He's always been able to find it, it's always been there. Soonyoung's never gone completely cold.

Jihoon's too far away to really search for it, though, and he doesn't have the nerve to move any closer. When Soonyoung finally speaks, his voice is low. It rumbles all serious and heavy, and Jihoon's bones seem to rattle from the echo.

"You come first, Jihoonie. What you want, all your dreams and aspirations, those come first. Don't put your life on hold for me, don't you do that."

"But I love you," Jihoon says again, voice cracking. Soonyoung looks more and more miserable with each passing second.

"I know, and I love you too, I - I love you  _so_  much Jihoon, it's fucking crazy, and that - that's why I can't let you do this. You're so smart, so talented ... you're meant for all the wonderful things in this world, and I refuse to be the reason you miss out on all that."

"No, no, you don't understand," Jihoon's tone catches right on the corner of despair, and he doesn't know why he's feeling so hopeless, he just knows that this is bad. He can feel it throughout his entire body, pulsing something painful -  _this isn't like the other arguments, this one is worse, this one won't end well, this one will hurt the most_ \- and it's all he can do to try and salvage what he can out of the situation.

"I won't be missing out on anything, I'll be with you, and I'll be so happy - "

"Jihoon - "

" - I don't need all that other stuff, I don't need to go to some stupid, overpriced arts school to live a good life because life is good so long as I'm with you and I - I can't leave you Soonyoung, I'm sorry I sound so desperate but I can't - "

"Maybe we should stop."

Jihoon breaks off. His heart tugs, and his voice tugs with it. Right out of the air. Right into some shocked sort of silence. He gapes and barely manages to get the word out - "What?"

"I said ... I said that maybe we should stop."

"Stop - Stop what?"

Soonyoung flails his arms, gesturing all around him with his face pulled into a grimace. He says, "This, we should stop  _this_. Everything."

Jihoon speaks in muted, disbelieving tones.

"I don't ... ? What do you - what are you saying?"

"It's too much, don't you think? I thought - I thought we could make it past all the uncertainty and insecurity, I thought we could really make it work, but Jihoon I - " Soonyoung falters, eyes fluttering shut, and he swallows. "You have a future, and a damn good one, too. I'm not going to watch you throw it away on my account."

Some far-away part of Jihoon is aware of his surroundings - Soonyoung's house, empty save for the two of them, his living room; the sun shines too bright from outside, almost taunting. His world is falling apart. Soonyoung's parents might be back any minute, now. The dishwasher runs like white noise in the background. Jihoon's world is falling apart.

"You can't ... You're not breaking up with me, are you?"

"I don't want you to think I don't care about you - "

Jihoon wants to say something, anything to make him quiet, but his whole body feels frozen in place. His mouth won't move, his feet won't move. Even his heart feels stuck in place.

" - because I do, holy shit, I really do, and that's why I'm doing this. I want the best for you, and if this is it, then - then this is it." Soonyoung takes a long, shuddering breath. "I just want the best for you. I love you so much."

Sunshine, dishwasher running, the clock on the wall tick, tick, ticking - Jihoon, blanking on every possible response except for, "We could be happy, Soonie." Soonyoung shakes his head.

"No, not like that. I don't think we would be."

.

.

.

After that, Jihoon doesn't remember much. Soonyoung's voice at the back of his head, maybe, insisting that they just need time - they're not done for good, they just need  _time_  to work things out - and maybe, maybe he remembers his own two feet, quick and just barely getting past the door before the tears hit him. He might remember hiccuping sobs all the way home, his heart barely beating.

Barely beating - he's not sure it's there at all, really.

Jihoon’s chest is entirely absorbed by blackness, something great and dark and all-consuming. Soonyoung told him that black holes are formed by the collapsing of stars, and he thinks that sounds about right; his heart’s collapsed, caved in on itself. Soonyoung told him that black holes don’t actually swallow matter, but that’s how he feels.

He’s being swallowed from the inside out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ,,,, i'm sorry


	6. Chapter 6

**February**

 

 **CLAIR DE LUNE** is playing softly from his bedside table, just faintly. It's part of the soundtrack to Jihoon's misery, serving as some horrible background music to the part where he lays on his bed, wallowing and staring up at the ceiling. He should really get around to taking those stars down, shouldn't he?

His chest aches something terrible. He was looking out his window earlier just as the blue started to set in, and he could see her - the moon, absolutely full, just like Soonyoung said she would be. He watched her alone; alone is all he is. He went and screwed things up again. Took a good thing and made it bad. It's just what he does.

He couldn't force himself to stand there for too long, made sure to shut and lock the window before flopping back onto his mattress. It's not like anyone's going to be using it, anyway.

Jihoon's starting to hate this classic piano bullshit, but it's all he's been playing for the last three weeks. It's the only thing that seems fitting. He listens to the echoing keys, the sadness that's managed to be captured in something fine and perfectly tuned, and he wonders - what's Soonyoung doing, right now? Maybe he's speaking to the moon again, maybe he's speaking to her right now. Maybe he's telling her all about Jihoon, and maybe Jihoon's been the only thing on his mind since they last spoke. Maybe. Jihoon thinks it's nice to imagine he isn't the only one.

The music suddenly stops, though, and there's a beat of silence before Jihoon registers his phone buzzing. He reaches for it and picks up without even checking the ID. It's Seungcheol's voice that fills up the quiet, and he feels stupid for being disappointed.

"What do you want?"

"Oh, you don't sound too happy."

"I feel great, actually." Jihoon's voice sounds snappy even to his own ears, dripping in sarcasm, and Seungcheol's sigh is like static over the line.

He says, "I'm worried about you."

"Don't be. I'm not doing anything that isn't normal for someone in this situation. At least, I think I'm not. I've actually never been broken up with." He pauses. "If it makes you feel any better, I haven't called or texted him once."

"How should that make me feel better?"

"It means I'm not embarrassing myself. I haven't stooped to that level of weakness."

"Uh, are you sure? Jeonghan says that you were a mess when he went to visit you earlier." Jihoon rolls his eyes, muttering under his breath.

"Yeah, well. Jeonghan's a jackass. If he had any consideration for my dignity, he would've lied and said I seem fine. I'm not fine, though, I feel terrible. I haven't left my bed in the last three hours and my music taste is slowly evolving to include nothing but Debussy and Adele."

"Do you want me to stop by?"

"No, thanks. I don't really want to be seen for like, the next six months."

The line goes quiet. Jihoon would like to say he's got a million things going through his mind - a million thoughts to mull over and keep him quiet - but he doesn't, not really. It's all just Soonyoung. It's only ever been Soonyoung.

Thinking of him feels like Jihoon is holding a hand to his own throat, cutting off his airways and the ability to speak coherently.

"I miss him," he says, only after the silence stretches on for what's probably too long. "I miss him a lot. That's bad, isn't it? Being so dependent. It's been less than a month, and I miss him. I missed him on the first night, even. That can't be good."

Seungcheol seems to ponder this for a little while before he says, just simply, "What can you do?" and Jihoon wants to cry when he hears it.

What can he do? Soonyoung's taken up nearly Jihoon's entire life with his presence, standing out so wonderful and bright against the backdrop of everyday life, and some soft part of Jihoon will always remember him. The hurt won't ever fade unless the memories do, but he can't grow a new heart.

His voice trembles a little when he says, so quiet he's not sure the other can even hear it, "Nothing, I guess. Life goes on."

He can practically see Seungcheol's face - his tired, weary eyes. That frown. Jihoon can pick it out in his voice when he says, "Call me anytime, yeah? I'm always here."

"Right. I know you are."

They leave it at that, and the music starts up again automatically. Jihoon feels drained. He's spoken enough to leave his throat feeling raw; cried enough that all he can do at this point is dry-sob because there aren't any more tears left in the reservoir.

Life goes on, he said. He doesn't like it so much, though. Not like this.

 

**—**

Jihoon sees him in his dreams, he sees him against the backs of his eyelids whenever he closes them to sleep. And he doesn't sleep, not really - not unless crashing at 4 in the morning and blinking against 7am sunlight counts as sleep. Not unless tossing and turning for a whole three hours with the sight of something good, something wonderful and out of reach circling around his conscience, counts as sleep.

He's tired, more often than not.

Mingyu kicks him from under the desk, "Stop dozing. How much sleep did you get last night? You know what, don't tell me. I'm not sure I want to know."

Jihoon flinches, blinking hard and ruffling his own hair as if that'll chase off the exhaustion. When he looks at Mingyu, sitting beside him, there's a small bud of guilt in his chest; it's not quite blooming, not so quick to open itself up, but growing nonetheless. It's not a great feeling.

"Will you eat lunch with us, today?" he asks. "You haven't done it in like, weeks. We miss you." Jihoon scoffs.

"What's there to miss? I barely ever contribute to the conversation, anyway."

"That's not true," he says, and he's frowning when he meets Jihoon's eyes. "You've always got something to add, and we like having you there."

"Right, well. I don't particularly like  _being_  there." Jihoon pauses, thinking over his words before adding, "It's just awkward, anyway."

Mingyu opens his mouth, gaping a bit, and then shuts it again. Their eye contact is gone in favor of Jihoon keeping his gaze glued to the front of the classroom, his jaw clenched against the force of Mingyu's unwavering stare.

"You're going to face him eventually, Jihoon. I think you should stop avoiding it."

"I think - I think I'm just fine avoiding it, actually."

"You've been best friends for over ten years."

"And what about it?"

"And you're just, what, gonna throw it all away?" Mingyu's tone drops to something low and rumbling, then, subdued. "It's really tough for us to watch you do that, Jihoon."

Jihoon starts slow, picking out his words carefully. "Mingyu, as much as I ... as much as I would like to, we can't just go back to being best friends. After all that - not right away, at least. I think that's a lot tougher on me than anyone else. Soonyoung, too. Maybe."

"Oh, it definitely is. I've never seen him look so rough."

Some part of Jihoon thinks that maybe he should be happy to hear that - maybe he should take some twisted satisfaction in knowing that Soonyoung feels bad - but he isn't, he really isn't. Soonyoung hurt him, sure, but he's still Soonyoung. Jihoon still loves him. Jihoon still hates the thought of him being unhappy.

"I don't even like having to think about him," he says - which is ironic, because Soonyoung is literally all he thinks about, at this point. "The thought of  _seeing_  him is honestly a lot worse. And ... I mean, if he's really that upset, he probably feels the same. I'm just - I'm doing us both a favor by staying out of his way."

Mingyu looks sad, something heavy and forlorn weighing down his expression.

"We don't have to talk about it," Jihoon adds. "We have an exam next week, and I don't need you distracting me when I should be paying attention in class."

So, that's it, then. Mingyu shrugs his shoulders and turns to face the front again, and Jihoon tries to ignore the way his pencil shakes when he jots down his notes. Just nerves, he tells himself. It's a big exam, after all.

Funny that he even tries to lie at all.

 

**—**

It's not Jihoon, in the end. He isn't the one  _stooping to that level of weakness_  at 2am that night. Oh, but he definitely feels weak. When he picks up the call and feels his blood run cold, he's never felt weaker. It's just what Soonyoung does to him.

"Hey," he says, and Jihoon regrets answering. "Jihoon, you there?"

Nothing, neither one of them speaks, and then, "No, actually, this is Chan. I stole Jihoon's phone earlier today. Feel free to call him later, though."

"Jihoon, seriously."

"I thought it might be worth a try."

"Can we just, I dunno, talk? Genuinely. Like, please don't hang up on me."

"I think hanging up on you would've been more effective than me pretending to be Chan." He says it like he's trying to joke, trying to keep the call lighthearted, but there's nothing lighthearted about this. Jihoon's mouth is dry when he speaks and heart feels heavy, horribly heavy. He says, "I'm not sure why you think this is a good idea, Soonyoung. It's like rubbing salt in the wound."

"How?"

"Oh, my ex-boyfriend who I still love very, very much, but I'm no longer actually dating. Please call me so we can talk. It's not like I've been trying to avoid you entirely for the last month, anyway."

" ... I'm sorry."

"Yeah, I know."

"It's just - just - I mean, Jihoon, I haven't heard your voice in ages. I barely see you."

"That's because I've been ignoring you - trying to, at least. You're making it sort of difficult."

"I miss you."

"Uh oh," Jihoon deadpans, "that's not good."

"I miss you, and I miss hearing your voice and seeing your face, and I miss reading your horoscope to you every morning. I was looking through my telescope last night, and I found this one constellation that was  _so_  pretty and I wanted to call and tell you about it but then I remembered I couldn't, we don't do that anymore, and I missed you. I was eating breakfast this morning and I thought about how much I miss you. I'm missing you right now, even."

Quiet, quiet, nothing but quiet. Jihoon finds it hard to speak with his heart lodged in his throat the way it is. It's hard to think of what to say when his mind's frozen over completely. With the way Soonyoung's got him, it's hard to really  _do_  anything.

Still, he manages to finally choke, "Are you finished?"

"No. I'm also still in love with you."

"Have you been drinking, Soonyoung?"

"No, I'm sober. I went out earlier to get myself a coffee, though. I was going to drink it inside the cafe, but I started thinking about you again and almost cried, and I've already cried in front of the barista like, twice this week, so. I came back home. I miss you a lot."

"I know. You told me already."

"Did I tell you I love you?"

"Yes, you told me that, too. Have you forgotten that you're the one who called it quits?"

That seems to catch him off-guard, and Jihoon flinches at how harsh he sounds. The sudden absence of sound is almost overwhelming, just Soonyoung's breathing and the grey-black pixelation of white-noise. Which is strange, isn't it? White-noise. It feels awfully dark, actually.

Jihoon waits for him to say something - he knows it's probably better to end the call there, put a stop to it before his heart bruises even more, but he doesn't. Try as he might to convince himself and everyone around him that he's been doing the right thing, keeping away, Soonyoung's voice is something he misses dearly. Having it here now is like filling a hole suddenly, or patching up some of the rougher damages; it's immensely relieving, and Jihoon doesn't want to let go of it quite yet.

So maybe it hurts when Soonyoung finally says, "I know, I know I did, and I'm sorry." Maybe it feels like a knife, painful and twisting right in his get when Soonyoung says, "But it's not as if I broke up with you because I stopped loving you, Jihoon. Truly, I didn't."

But it's Soonyoung who's saying it, so he holds on.

"Does it matter? Who gives a fuck, Soonyoung? What - What's the point of you loving me if we can't even so much as look at each other, anymore?"

"I don't want you thinking I gave up," he insists, and Jihoon has to strain to hear him when the call starts breaking up a little. "I've never wanted to - to hold you back from anything, Jihoon, and that's exactly what I was doing. I ended things, and it sucks right now, but it'll be right in the long run. You know, endings don't even have to be permanent."

"If endings aren't permanent, what are they?"

"Well ... the moon changes phases, right? She's new some nights, and perfectly full on others. But she never goes out for good." Jihoon sighs.

"I don't want phases, Soonyoung. Why should we have to constantly fade in and out to appreciate the times when we're totally okay? There's no sense in that." He waits, but it's clear Soonyoung doesn't have any sort of immediate response. "What did you even call for?"

"I just wanted to tell you - "

"What, that you miss me? That's not  _fair,_ Soonyoung, that's not fucking fair. You left me. You told me we shouldn't be together anymore, and now you're telling me you miss me? I feel like you're messing with me and it - it hurts." His voice cracks on the last syllable, and he's squeezing his eyes shut as if that'll stop him from crying.

"Yeah," Soonyoung says. "You're right. I'm sorry."

"Can we just - can we stop this, now? I don't have it in me."

"Yeah, sure. Sleep well, Jihoon."

The call ends with a click, and Jihoon just manages to curl up and bury his face in a pillow before the aching starts to spread. Concentrated in his chest, diffusing out to the rest of his body. Even his fingertips feel numb, he thinks.

He hasn't slept well in a while, and tonight's no different.

 

**—**

"There's a party this weekend," Vernon says, and Jihoon rolls his eyes, already anticipating what he's about to say. "Seungkwan wants you to come."

"Thanks, but no thanks. I'll probably just wind up watching you two get drunk and make out, and that doesn't sound like an ideal way to spend my night. I feel bad about myself as it is."

"Seungkwan says you should get out and do something, just to take your mind off things."

"Right, and Seungkwan's word is gospel, now, isn't it?"

Vernon turns a look on him, something void of humor, and Jihoon feels uncomfortable with himself. He's being snappy again, temperamental. More so than usual. Can anyone blame him, though? The universe hasn't been on his side lately, and maybe that's doing something to him. 

"I know you hate these things, but maybe this will be good for you, you know?"

Jihoon thinks for a moment, before asking, "Will Soonyoung be there?" He doesn't have to wait for an answer, the look on Vernon's face says it all. "Right, yeah. I'm not going."

"No, come on, it'll be fine. It's a big place, you could avoid him if you want to - although, I don't think it'd kill you to talk to him, either. 

"Actually, it just might."

"You're unbelievable, you know that? I thought you were the one who told me it's worth it - when you care about someone enough, all the hard work is worth it. Doesn't that still count for something?" Jihoon's got both hands at his temples, massaging them like he's got a headache.

"This isn't some dumb argument, Vernon."

"Honestly, who cares? Ji, you've been so worried this whole time, like seeing him is just going to hurt you more - but what if it doesn't?"

"It could."

"Yeah, but it might not. You're so apprehensive, do you even know how many opportunities you cut yourself off from because of that?" Jihoon doesn't say anything, shrugging. "I think you're both making this harder than it needs to be."

"I hate when you say that."

"I mean it, though. I really think you can fix this mess, if you two are just willing to  _talk_  about it. You keep avoiding your issues, like that's really going to help anything."

"And what if I - what if I talk to him, and things just get worse?"

"You won't know unless you try, Jihoon. What's there to lose?"

_What's there to lose?_

It's not easy, but he tries to shift his perspective; take the situation and spin it on its axis so he's looking at it from Vernon's point of view - what's there to lose? What's the worst that can happen and, if it does, what will that mean?

Vernon was right - Jihoon's afraid of getting himself hurt again, and Soonyoung could do just that. Soonyoung is also the brightest boy, though, glowing and brilliant and kind, all heart and nothing else, and Jihoon would be lying if he said he didn't want to see him again. 

Temporary earth, temporary sun. A temporary universe full of temporary things. Inevitable endings. They're living in a world where everything ultimately means nothing. He wants to see Soonyoung again. Talk to him, properly.

And if he does, and if everything turns out terrible, it won't really matter, will it? The world could end tomorrow, or it could end next week, or even ten years from now. It could end long after he has. At least he'll know he tried.

"I hate taking risks," he mumbles. "I hate knowing I can make things worse."

"You know Soonyoung better than anyone. How bad do you think this can go?"

Inevitable endings, Jihoon thinks. Maybe he and Soonyoung can be the exception to that.


	7. Chapter 7

**March**

 

 **JIHOON'S GOT REGRETS,** one in particular sticking out against the monochrome of his mind - it's bright red and bold and it's asking,  _why did I come here?_  Everywhere he goes is noisy and crowded, and it smells weird. Jihoon's made his point about ten times already, and they've been here for less than fifteen minutes.

"Jihoon, I respect you - "

"God, that means so much to me."

" - but I'm going to have to ask you to shut up. I'm doing you favors, here. I'm being the best friend I can possibly be, and you have the  _nerve_  to complain - "

"I'll deck you, Seungkwan."

Jihoon's barely sparing him any glances, blank-faced and bored-looking while Seungkwan gapes at him. He looks terribly offended, which would be funny if Jihoon was in the mood for laughing.

"My boyfriend is a head taller than you, whiny bitch. Be quiet."

"Right, because Vernon's definitely going to kick my ass if you ask him to." He rolls his eyes, checking the time on his phone. "You know what, I think I should just get going, actually. I really don't want to - " he's cut off when Seungkwan yanks on his arm, hard enough to shock him into biting his own tongue, and he grimaces. "Ow, fuck you, that hurt."

"No, you're not going anywhere. You need this, Jihoon. I know you hate facing your problems head-on, but sometimes you just  _have_  to."

"Why can't you just let me be sad and lonely in peace? I'd like that a lot more."

Huffing, Seungkwan drags him into some corner of the room. Vernon's already managed to get tangled up in the mess of people, probably trying to find his way back over to them, and Jihoon's making himself a mental note to break all of Seungkwan's fingers, should he try tugging his arm again.

It's as if the corner's supposed to provide them more privacy, but Jihoon feels just as exposed there as he would in any other part of the house. It's no quieter, either, and Seungkwan still has to yell a bit to be heard over all the background noise.

"Look, Jihoon, I get how you're feeling - "

"No, I really don't think you do."

" - you're bitter and pissed at everything. If anyone's gonna understand that, it's  _me_. It's like, you want this - this thing, right? This  _person._ You want to talk to them and sort things out, but you can't get yourself to do it - because what if it all goes wrong, yeah? I know that feeling, Jihoon."

Jihoon watches him, watches the sincerity unfold itself within his expression. Jokes and insults aside, Seungkwan's telling him how it is.

"You've probably figured this out already, but I think you need to hear it from someone else -  _go_  for it. You're only missing opportunities if you don't. If you're going to trust anyone on that, it should be me."

Seungkwan's a good friend, Jihoon knows that. He's kind. If Jihoon was told that he had a heart too big for his chest, he wouldn't even be surprised. He's not like Jihoon - Jihoon's mean and he's sour, and he's not so sure he's done anything to deserve good sentiment. Seungkwan barks out a laugh.

"Don't put yourself down so much, seriously. You're only like that when you've got a reason to be. Which, I should say, is also why you should try and fix things with Soonyoung. You're less of an asshole when you're with him. He makes you happy."

"I wasn't happy before?"

"No, no, you were, but not like ... it was just different after Soonyoung, you know. Like, he really made your life so much better, and it showed."

Jihoon stares at him for a few pulsing seconds, even manages to count the beats to whatever shitty song is playing over the speakers, before he says, "Thanks, Seungkwan." His tone drops unintentionally, all weighed down with something quiet and melancholy, but Seungkwan seems to get it.

"You should go find him. Don't waste your time here."

 

**—**

It occurs to Jihoon, only after ten minutes of searching, that he's walked through the same room at least three times. There are too many people spilling between doorways and crowding around furniture for him to tell the difference between the living room and the foyer, and he's beginning to realize that he doesn't even know whose house this is. He almost stepped out into the backyard thinking the door led to a bathroom.

It's painstaking, then, trying to find Soonyoung - until it isn't. Jihoon thinks this must be around the time that the alcohol has fully taken effect, because suddenly he's  _sure_  he can hear Soonyoung's voice, and he's sure it's coming from two rooms over.

He follows the sound of it, the incoherent shouting, until he reaches what he thinks is the kitchen. There are people milling around, empty beer cans that didn't make it in the bin littering the floor - and Soonyoung, standing on top of the counter and swaying on his own two feet. He's singing along to a song that isn't playing, off-key with the dumbest grin plastered to his face.

Louder than usual, more wobbly than usual, Soonyoung catches his gaze. Jihoon can make out a thick fog behind his eyes; it clears a little, just a bit, when he says, "Oh, Jihoon. What're you doing here?"

Jihoon doesn't even answer. He just stands there, gawking. Not his best look, really, but Soonyoung doesn't seem to be in any state to care.

"You look really nice," he says, and he's still being loud, he's still standing on the fucking counter, and heads are turning in Jihoon's direction. "I really love that sweater on you, it's so big, it makes you look even smaller than usual. You're so - " he hiccups, blinking hard before opening his eyes wide again. They're glassy, Jihoon can tell even six feet away.

"You're so cute, you're  _so_  cute."

"Soonyoung," Jihoon starts. It feels like he's speaking under his breath, but he can hear his voice carrying. "Soonyoung, get down from there." He swings his arms at his sides, rocking on the balls of his feet.

"Okay, Jihoonie."

Watching Soonyoung step down is like waiting for a disaster to happen, and Jihoon's watching with his breath held as the boy shakily lowers himself and tries to slide off. It's less than graceful, to say the least, but he doesn't break his nose, so. Little victories.

"You didn't answer me," Soonyoung says, and his words come out slow. Jihoon can't tell if he's picking them carefully, or if his verbal cognition is really that screwed up. "What - hold on - "

The space between them shrinks as he makes (stumbles) his way over - which is fine, because now Jihoon can hear him better, but also not fine. Drunk Soonyoung is not an elegant Soonyoung, and he manages to trip over his own feet on the way; the result is Jihoon pressed up against a nearby wall, and Soonyoung having practically face-planted into his chest.

"Sorry," he lifts his head and laughs, kind of breathless. With both hands gripping the front of Jihoon's sweater, he says, "Lost my balance. What are - What are you doing here?"

"Vernon and Seungkwan dragged me along," Jihoon mutters, carefully removing his hands. "How much have you had to drink?"

"Not so much, not really," he insists, but he's grimacing when he says it. "Like, I'm not - I'm not drunk, really. I feel kind of sick, though."

"Oh, God."

Soonyoung can't handle his alcohol, not very well. It hits him hard and fast and comes back up even faster. Over the years, Jihoon's learned to deal with it.

Which is why this almost seems rehearsed - Soonyoung, nearly green in the face and horribly uncomfortable, and Jihoon rubbing soothing circles against his back. He hums every now and then, something like, "It's okay, you're okay," or "Don't worry, I've got you."

It's sort of disappointing, it hurts just a little, that Jihoon just barely managed to gather the heart to talk to Soonyoung - and now that he's got him, the boy's too drunk to remember a thing. Come tomorrow morning, he'll be all headache and no memory.

"I think I'm good," Soonyoung mumbles, leaning back on his heels. Jihoon feels bad for whoever's bathroom this is. "Can I be sober, now? I want to be sober." Jihoon exhales shortly, the sound of it turning up in a light laugh.

"It doesn't work like that," he says. "You'll probably go to bed still feeling like this."

Soonyoung makes a face, all pinched in the middle, and he says, "I don't want to go to bed, though. I want to be with you a little while longer." Light laugh turns light enough to disappear, and Jihoon's heart hurts, now.

"I should walk you home," he says.

"No, no, don't do that, I don't wanna go home yet. We can ... We can go outside."

"It's cold out."

"I'll keep you warm."

Jihoon watches him, worrying his lower lip. Soonyoung hasn't even glanced at him. He's got his gaze trained on the floor tiles, kind of distant, and his words don't sound any closer. It's like every part of him has zoned out save for his physical presence, and Jihoon wants him back.

He's drunk, and nothing said tonight will be real tomorrow, but Jihoon just wants him back.

"Let's go outside, then," he says softly. "The grass is dry, this time."

It's not as cold as Jihoon thought it would be, but he's not complaining when Soonyoung attaches himself to his side. They're in a more secluded area, and it's almost enough for Jihoon to pretend they're alone. There's a weird feeling settling in his bones. 

"The stars are out tonight," Soonyoung comments quietly.

"The stars are out every night."

Soonyoung's mouth moves so that his words rub together, slurring just the littlest bit. He says, "They are? I haven't watched them in a while. I thought they might've gone out completely."

"Lights like those don't go out, Soonyoung."

Jihoon's pretty sure Soonyoung hasn't gone a single day of his life without looking up at those lights, those stupid lights, not since he was six at least. The fact that he might have stopped in the last month makes Jihoon's chest feel tight.

"Lights like us do, though."

Tight, his chest feels  _so tight._

"Apparently, yeah," he echoes.

" ... Could we flip the switch back on?"

Jihoon eyes him, brows furrowed. Skeptical. "You're wasted," he says, and he's not sure how much of this he should really be taking to heart. It would hurt an awful lot to find himself disappointed later on, only because he was dumb enough to buy into a drunk person's sentiment.

"Yeah," Soonyoung says simply, and it seems like that's all he has to say for a moment or two. His face settles back into something placid and sad, but then he flickers, and Jihoon can practically see the thought rippling across his features.

"Maybe … Maybe I’m not totally sober right now, but I love you, Jihoon. And - And tomorrow I will be, and I’ll still love you. It doesn’t matter that we’re not together anymore. I always will.”

If Soonyoung would just  _look_  at him. If Jihoon could just see his eyes, see his own reflection in them, it might be easier to decide what he should do with all this. 

"You're wasted," he says again, because he's got nothing smarter to say. Soonyoung nods.

"But I'm not a liar."

Soonyoung's happy when he's had enough to drink, overly-enthusiastic and painted all sorts of bright, vivid colors. Off-the-walls dancing, singing without a tune. The loudest, prettiest laugh Jihoon's ever heard. Jihoon hates parties, but Soonyoung always got him to go. Jihoon hates drinking, but he was always lazy when it came to stopping Soonyoung.

This, this is different, though. Soonyoung's not laughing; he's tinted a dark, watercolor blue. He's far from eloquent and off the track of rational thinking, but he's raw, he's serious.

Jihoon tries to avert his eyes and focus on some point in the space around them, but he can't hold it for too long. They always manage to snap back over to Soonyoung. When he speaks, it's in a whisper.

"I know ... I know I’m not supposed to miss you, and I know this isn’t fair to you but - but - " he breaks off, looking down at his own hands. They’re worn from use and red around the knuckles, and he pulls them into fists. “I know I’m not supposed to miss you,” he says again, with a little more force, “but we were never supposed to break up.”

Jihoon scoffs, and then immediately recoils at how mean it sounds.

"Yeah, well. You're the one who pulled that trigger."

"I'm mad at me, too."

"I never said I was mad. I've never - I've never been mad at you, not really."

There's music faded against their surroundings, like discolored, peeling wallpaper at the back of Jihoon's mind. The talking blends with it, all the voices. They're distorted, almost. Everything is. Everything that isn't him or Soonyoung or the sky, maybe even the ground beneath them - it distorts. It's meaningless.

"I think about you a lot," he blurts. "And - And like, that’s probably not surprising, but I do. I think about you all the time, Soonyoung. I look at my ceiling, and I think of you. I look at the moon, and I think of you. I could stare at a thousand shooting stars and I - I would  _only_  think of you, Soon. I know that sounds dramatic, but it’s the truth.”

Jihoon has to catch his breath after he says it. He almost feels winded by the sudden confession, taken aback by his own bluntness.

It’s the truth, it really is. Soonyoung’s a universe packed into one beautiful human. He’s light and dark and all-consuming, he’s stretched over time; kept within flesh and bound by skin. Jihoon can’t look up anymore without thinking of Soonyoung, and thinking of Soonyoung makes him ache.

Quietly, he says, “Space isn’t as pretty as it used to be.”

Soonyoung's quiet for a long time. Jihoon's stomach feels like it's filled with ice, so cold he can feel it frosting over his throat and freezing up the rest of him. Soonyoung's arm pressed up against his suddenly feels burning.

“In one universe,” he starts, and his voice is a soft, sad sort of blanket, all warm and melancholy at once. “In one universe, we’re okay. We love each other, we never hurt each other. It’s just ... It’s just you and I, and we never let go.”

Jihoon can feel his hands, his heart, his lower lip all quivering. There's salt building behind his eyes when he says, “Yeah, well. In this universe, something went wrong. You let go of me, we barely talk anymore. I’ve got no one and I - I only want you, Soonyoung. That’s this universe, that’s  _now_.”

Quiet, a tender sort of quiet. Palpable in the air around them, but not breakable, not really. A quiet that isn't as violent as glass. It wouldn't shatter if he tried to reach out and hit it; it's more soft, like clay.

Soonyoung's words press into it gently, shaping it - "We're worth saving, aren't we?"

"Gosh, I don't know. I'd like to think we are."

"I don't want you to give up your dreams for me, Jihoon."

"You're talking like you know what you're saying."

"I  _do_  know what I'm saying, though. Maybe - Maybe my thoughts are a bit jumbled and maybe my words aren't sounding so smart right now, but I know what I mean. You're the best boy in the world, and your mind is like - it's like a nebula, yeah? All pretty and intricate, I think, and there's so much you can do with something like that, Jihoon. I'm not gonna let you drop that."

Jihoon's words shake against the open air, he says, "I only want to be with you."

Soonyoung's cheeks are pink and round, and Jihoon wants to kiss them. He wants Soonyoung's arm to stop being pressed against his and start being wrapped around his shoulders. He wants Soonyoung to look at him instead of the sky.

He's tired of being apart, he just wants  _Soonyoung_.

"Would you look at me, please?"

Jihoon loves Soonyoung all too much, to the point that it's flooded his system entirely. Affection is like honey on the best of nights, golden in his veins and turning his arteries sickly sweet, dangerously fond; and on the worst nights, it's ash, stinging his eyes and coating the back of his throat so all he can do is cough.

Jihoon loves Soonyoung too much for his own body to handle, and when Soonyoung looks at him, he thinks he can recognize the feeling.

"Think my heart just stopped," he says without thinking, and Soonyoung laughs. He reaches over to pat his chest, bunches up the fabric of his sweater and holds his fist there.

Soonyoung looks at him with clear eyes, gleaming like they've just been shined, and for half a second he seems totally within his own head. He says, "I love you, you dumb Sagittarius. I love you a whole lot." Jihoon can feel his eyes crinkling the tiniest bit.

"Fucking Gemini, be quiet. I love you more." He pauses, and then, "Am I allowed to kiss you, now?"

"Promise me you won't go bailing on your college plans?"

"Are you drunk enough that you won't remember my answer tomorrow morning?"

"Not anymore, no." Jihoon frowns, and Soonyoung knocks his chest once before moving to grab his hand. They've got their pinkies wrapped around each other, and he says, "Come on, promise me." Jihoon sighs.

"This is so stupid, we're not ten years old - "

" _Promise me._ "

"Jesus, okay, fine. I promise, you idiot." Soonyoung grins, then, leaning in closer.

"That's all I wanted to hear."

The space between them disappears entirely, and then it's just lips on lips and their hands held tight. Eyes shut tight, heat spreading from Jihoon's cheeks to the rest of him, ice melting. Part of him is trying to figure out if it tastes more like Redbull or vodka, but most of him is too relieved to really care.

It isn't the most coordinated thing - Soonyoung's still wobbly in every sense of the word - but it's them, glowing under moonlight and alive in the night. Fresh and young, with so much to live toward.

It's them, whole again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OOF i am GLAD to have gotten this done !!!! those last 2 chapters exhausted me so much jhkfhdjkl angst is HARD to write and i was,, so ready to get back to my two happy boys,,, in all honesty i wish i could've written it better but i. really struggled with this for some reason ?? jdhkf idk i feel like my writing hasn't been Great lately but. i hope u guys dont hate it :((
> 
> one chapter left, though !! not sure how long it's going to be (it might be a bit shorter than usual) but i think it would be good to have a little,, closure to this whole thing, so ! 
> 
> thank you so so much for reading, you're lovely :'')
> 
> p.s. i highkey had a hard time writing drunk soonyoung & im really sorry if u can tell i didnt do that good of a job with it lmao


	8. Chapter 8

****  
April** **

****

****HE FEELS WARM****  when Soonyoung drops down beside him, arm slinging over Jihoon's shoulder and moving to rest his head against him. It's a new setting for them, Jihoon's front porch, but Soonyoung said the sun was setting and it'd be nice to watch it go down, for once. Jihoon doesn't mind, anyway. The air glows orange against his skin and the breeze is pleasant. Soonyoung's breath hits his arm, and it's pleasant.

"Long day, yeah?" Soonyoung's fumbling with the packaging on some pop-tarts, taking a massive bite once he's got it open and handing the other one to Jihoon. "We finally made it."

"Took fucking forever. I don't think I've managed a full ten hours of sleep in four years."

"But it's been good," Soonyoung sighs contentedly. "We've had each other."

Graduation day, and Jihoon's not even bitter at the thought. It's not so much saying goodbye to this part of his life as it is saying goodbye to the people that were a part  _of_  it.

But it's comfortable, like this. There's still that heaviness in his chest, that nagging feeling - premature nostalgia, maybe, a sadness for what's to come - but Jihoon's gotten used to it in the last month. He's gotten used to the idea of it being there. Moving on and waving his hand and promising to stay in touch, even though he sucks at that sort of thing.

Soonyoung's by his side, and that keeps him comfortable.

"You're not allowed to be cheesy, not yet."

"Not yet?"

"Not until I'm literally loading my bags into the car and marking my calendar for the next time we meet. Only then will I allow you to say dumb shit like that." Soonyoung laughs.

"You're just worried I'll make you sad, being all sentimental."

"Yeah, and? The sky is pretty now, I don't want to be sad."

Soonyoung pauses, he says, "You're pretty, Jihoon."

Jihoon’s heart staggers. It always does. They've been friends for over a decade, he's been star-struck, swept-right-off-his-feet in love for over a year, but nothing's changed about the way Soonyoung makes him feel. His voice, the look in his eyes. Jihoon never learned how to keep his pulse in order.

"Thanks," he says softly. "You're prettier." Soonyoung tsks like he's wrong, but Jihoon's pretty sure he isn't.

Instead of adding to it, though, he starts new - "You're going to be wonderful, Soonyoung. I don't think I've told you this enough, but you will be. More than you already are. You'll meet new people and try new things, and you'll have so much fun - "

" - and I'm gonna visit you every month," he cuts in, grinning. "Life won't be too bad at all."

"Every month is  _expensive_."

"We won't be  _that_  far from each other. Besides," he adds, looking up from behind the hair in his eyes, "however much money I spend, it's worth it."

Dusk has settled thickly all around them. Some part of Jihoon thinks, just vaguely, that it's nights like these which turn people translucent. Strange and whispy, like they're just barely a part of reality. When the stars can hardly be seen through the haze of orange-blended-blue clouds, it's easy to believe he isn't fully there. It's easy to believe Soonyoung isn't, either.

"I can almost trick myself," he says, eyes fluttering shut, "into thinking we aren't here."

"And why would you want to do that?"

"The world is hard to live in, sometimes."

Soonyoung’s buzzing seems to fizzle out, blending smoothly with the atmosphere. His usual, crackling energy turns like velvet in the evening, and his voice is soft, so soft; words like dandelion seeds, all light on the wind and gentle, and Jihoon can try his best to catch them but they'll always slip away -

"Well, sure, but it's beautiful. I like the planets and all their moons, you know I love the stars, but Earth can also be nice. It's got flowers and apple trees, and those little garden ponds with the fish in them. The grass smells nice in spring. Small animals are good, like that little bunny I used to take care of in middle school." He stops, just for a moment. "There's you, too."

Jihoon feels stumped. Glued to the wooden paneling beneath him, caught in quicksand. Fingers knotted around a feeling he can't ever seem to escape. He's overwhelmed at times like this, when the fondness and affection are so thick in his bones and under his skin, filling up his lungs like syrup. He's overwhelmed and he doesn't know what to do about it.

"I'm literally going to love you for the rest of my life," he says, because there's nothing else he knows how to say, and the truth seems awfully kind right now.

"Don't say something you might take back later on."

"No take-backs," Jihoon insists. "This is a lifetime subscription."

Soonyoung lifts his head to look at him, smiling something small and heart-tugging. He sighs, "You're really cute, Jihoon. I'm glad you stopped trying to beat my ass every time I tell you that, because it's true, and I want to tell you all the time."

"I'll start beating your ass again now that you said that."

Soonyoung giggles and leans into him, arms winding their way around Jihoon's midriff and squeezing him tight. "For what it's worth, I love you too. I repeat myself a lot and I can't be creative all the time, but that's what it comes down to. You already know."

"Yeah," he mumbles. "I know."

The forces of attraction. There's got to be some science behind that, some astrological, astronomical, whatever-the-fuck explanation. Jihoon feels like his heart is being pulled in Soonyoung's direction. He feels like his words always fall with Soonyoung at the forefront of them. It's a force so strong he thinks he could be obliterated by it, and how does that work?

"Maybe Venus is just paying extra close attention to you - to us," Soonyoung corrects himself. "She's watching, she always is." Jihoon hands him his uneaten pop-tart.

"That's unsettling."

"No, it just means she loves you. It's a good feeling, you deserve this."

Jihoon's flushing when he mumbles, "Yeah, well. You too."

"We deserve each other."

Jihoon wishes he could be as confident as Soonyoung in their relationship. He's sure of himself, his own heart - he knows what he wants and what he's willing to do for it, he'd walk across the universe if Soonyoung asked him to – so it isn’t ideal, then, that things aren’t always up to him. He can’t call all the shots. If he could control it, they'd be together always, but if there's one thing Soonyoung's endless rambling has taught him, it’s that they really control so little.

Humans, they don't hold much power in the grand scheme of things.

"It's a joint effort," Soonyoung assures him when he says this, "and we both want the same thing. That already makes things easier. You know, Jihoon, we're not that powerless when it comes to our own lives."

Jihoon sighs, a little bubble of air between his lips popping on the words, "I suppose you're right." Soonyoung pokes him in the side.

"Of course I am, I'm all-knowing. You want to know what else I know?" Soonyoung unwinds his arms from around Jihoon, leaning back against the railing of the stairs leading down to the front yard. His gaze is lazy, eyes droopy with a lopsided smile for company. He says, "It's cold, and I'm tired, and you probably are, too."

"Bed sounds warm," Jihoon agrees. Soonyoung hums.

"You sound warm."

"If your cold ass feet so much as touch me, I'll force you to sleep on the floor tonight."

Soonyoung's barking out a laugh when he stands up, hurrying past the front door and away from the chill while Jihoon trails after.

He's smiling to himself when he sees Soonyoung, already half-undressed and wrapping himself up in blankets, and he's smiling when the boy buries his face between Jihoon’s neck and shoulder. When his breathing goes all light and drowsy. Jihoon thinks he's still smiling, even when sleep hangs off his eyelashes.

A love like this, he thinks, all to himself.

****

****August** **

****

Soonyoung's a galaxy within a star. A whole load of things, some of the most beautiful things, contained to one small, glowing mass. Soonyoung's not the kind of person you'll ever come across twice in one lifetime. Jihoon's just lucky.

Tomorrow, he thinks. Tomorrow he's leaving. Tomorrow he's going to say goodbye to Soonyoung for the next month, at least. Maybe two.

"If you really think about it," Soonyoung says, "a month isn't that long. You'll be so busy settling in and getting the hang of things, time will fly like crazy."

"And what about when I'm not settling in and getting the hang of things?" Jihoon frowns. "What will I do then?"

"Text me, call me, obviously. I'm gonna be bugging you to talk like, every other hour. You're going to hate me. You'll be out making new friends, having fun, and I'm gonna be like,  _answer the fucking phone, asshole_ \- "

Jihoon can't keep the laugh out of his voice when he interrupts, "It'll probably be the other way around. You’re social, but I don't know how to make friends." Soonyoung scoffs.

"That's a lie, you're lying to me. You've got a  _ton_ of friends. Even outside our group - you know and get along with everyone, and everyone loves you. That's not some fluke."

"Even if that was true, what are the chances that I can pull that off a second time?”

"You're going to be just fine, trust me. Whoever doesn't want to be your friend just has a low IQ."

"You can't say that, you're biased."

"I have more than two brain cells."

Jihoon smacks his arm, but his grin is too wide for either of them to miss it.

They're lying on his bed, looking up. The sheets are tangled around his legs and his fingers are tangled around Soonyoung's, and he feels some murky dread pooling at the bottom of his stomach. It's nothing he can help, he knows, but he wishes he could.

"You're almost too good at this," Soonyoung chuckles dryly, "making friends. You have to promise you won't forget about me."

Jihoon's eyebrows furrow and he scrunches his nose, automatic confusion wrinkling across his features, and he says, "Are you kidding? After everything we've been through these last few months, you really think I’d do that?"

"No, I know," Soonyoung says, words coming out fast, and then slower, "but, I mean, anything could happen, right? If you get busy or start talking to more interesting people - "

"Soonyoung, you're giving me a headache."

Out of the corner of his eye, Jihoon can see Soonyoung close his mouth, eyes trained on the ceiling like there's really something to see up there.

"You know that's not going to happen," Jihoon says. "I've put up with you for just about twelve years, and I've  _enjoyed_  it. You watched me have, like, three mental breakdowns because I couldn't handle the thought of us not seeing each other every day. You really think I'd ever  _not_  be thinking about you?"

Soonyoung's quiet. He's doing that thing where he smiles really hard, forced crinkles right up next to his eyes like he thinks it'll be enough to pass as genuine. He's more bothered than he wants to let on.

"You stress a lot, but things always end up turning out better than you expect them to. And I want you to be happy, Jihoon, I really do, no matter - no matter what that means ... but what if it doesn't mean something good for me, you know?"

"There's literally not a single sort of happy I can picture for myself that doesn't include you, Soonyoung. You're dumb. I love you so much, but you're dumb."

"Yeah, I know."

They're both silent for a while. Jihoon's room is a lot cleaner, now, having been emptied out. Whatever he wants to take with him has been packed, and whatever trash was found along the way got tossed. Those stars are still up, though. "They're so ugly," he mutters.

"They're my favorite thing about this room, besides maybe you and your window."

"They hardly even work anymore."

"They do," Soonyoung insists, "just a little. See, you can still kind of see the green." He doesn't say anything after that, but Jihoon can tell he's probably just thinking. He gives him time to work out the knots in his thought process, and when he finally does, his voice is soft.

"Stars are real brave, you know. They always persist. Even when they have to die, they do it in the most explosive, beautiful way they can. Those stickers have been up since we were kids, and they still haven't gone out. Stars don't give a  _fuck_  about the odds."

Jihoon moves so he's laying on his side, head resting on his arm, leg pressed up against Soonyoung's. He asks, "Are you projecting?"

"I'm just saying. It might seem like those odds are against us, but what about it? We can push right back, twice as hard. Think about our future, yeah? You still want your in-home studio, don't you?"

Jihoon's heart is suddenly doing cartwheels, sending flurries of emotion through every end of his body. "I do," he says. He whispers, "I love you." He whispers it twice. He whispers it a third time. Soonyoung starts to giggle and Jihoon nudges him with his foot. "No, I mean it. I don't think you understand - I feel like I'm being swallowed, but from the inside out, if that makes sense? That's how I love you."

"Really?"

"Really. And I want you safe and happy, I want you well. I want the whole world to see how wonderful you are at your best - but then, it doesn't even matter, because you're still wonderful even at your worst and all I  _really_  care about is how content you are." Jihoon's voice is barely above his own breath, his grip on Soonyoung's hand tightening. He says, "I'm in love with you, Soon. I know we're young and I know I'm so clingy sometimes, and I’m sorry, but I'm in love with you."

Soonyoung stares at him like he's in awe. He watches Jihoon with lips parted and his eyes all lit up, and the latter can't help flushing at his own outburst. It's all real, though, and if there's anything that should come out of tonight, it's this.

"You're making my chest hurt," Soonyoung says, "but in a – in a nice way."

"Sorry."

"Don't be. I love you too, Jihoon. Promise - " he catches himself, clearing his throat before continuing, slower, "Promise me you'll take care of yourself? Get as much sleep as you can, don't overwork yourself. I worry more knowing I'm not there to make you listen."

Jihoon's hand is on Soonyoung's cheek, his thumb brushing his lower lashes. He can't tell if his room is just really warm or if Soonyoung's blushing (but he'd like to think it's the latter, so that's what he tells himself it is).

"Don't worry about me, really."

"Am I going to have to remind you to eat your meals?"

"I'll be eating my meals so long as I have the money for it - no, I'm kidding," he quickly adds when Soonyoung's expression goes deadpan. "Seriously, I'll be fine."

Another long stretch of silence passes between them, and Jihoon gets to thinking about how lovely Soonyoung looks, even when it's too dark to really see him in full.

They kiss after a while, just once, and Jihoon can feel the sentiment against his lips when he mumbles, "I'm gonna miss you a lot."

"I'll miss you, too."

"We'll be just fine."

"I trust that."

Jihoon trusts it, he does. He trusts Soonyoung.

 

****December** **

****

Strawberry milkshakes, an empty diner. The stars outside battling with the snow on the ground for who can shine prettiest. Soonyoung insists that the stars are winning, but that might just be because he slipped on the ice on their way here.

Oh, Soonyoung.

It's late at night, but it's the first day they've spent together in too many weeks and Jihoon napped in the afternoon, so neither one of them is tired enough to call it goodnight – or, maybe Jihoon’s a little sleepy, but only a little. The feeling of Soonyoung tracing the lines on his palm is one too good to pass up, anyway, and too infrequent. He’s got to make the most of it.

"If I could just not sleep while you're visiting," he says, holding back a yawn, "that would be great. I could max out every minute I get with you." Soonyoung only laughs a little. Jihoon thinks he might be tired, too.

If fine includes fitting in and good impressions, Jihoon's been doing fine. Soonyoung's  _better_ , though; being around Soonyoung is always better than just fine - it's like having home by his side, like comforting and warm with their fingers locked together. "Like, I miss you so much, even when not a lot of time has passed. Finally having you back feels like the best thing in the world." Soonyoung grins.

"I know what you mean," he says. "It's tough. We're doing good, though. I think we've worked out a good system." They take turns, is what he means. Jihoon will visit him one time, and Soonyoung will visit him the next.

"It sounds so grown-up, a system." Jihoon sips his milkshake, shuddering from the cold. "Like we really know what we're doing. We're just bouncing around, trying not to fuck things up - "

"And so far I'd say we're killing it. Look at us," Soonyoung's smile is bright, "we're going strong."

"Do you think we can keep it up?"

"Do you doubt that we can?"

Jihoon thinks about it a moment or two, watching Soonyoung from across the table. He's got a bit of whipped cream on his cheek that Jihoon still hasn't told him about, eyes sparkling under the saturated light. They left Jihoon's dorm in their pajamas. They left with Soonyoung babbling about his horoscope for the day and how Jihoon should pay more attention to his dreams, because "Mercury just entered in Pisces, and it's pretty insane."

Jihoon thinks about how beautiful Soonyoung is and how he's twice as smart, twice as clever. Jihoon thinks about how nice it feels when Soonyoung looks at him in that special way only he does.

Jihoon thinks, but not for too long, because there's not much to think about. It's just Soonyoung. The answer is obvious.

"No," he says. "I don't doubt it for a second."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> omg ,,, this is it ,, the end
> 
> first of all ! a big thank you to anyone and everyone who took the time to read this and leave a kudos / comment - the fact that you seemed to like this !!! makes me so happy !!!
> 
> today feels like a memorable day (carat's bday, svt's 1st triple crown) and not 2 be ,, cheesy ,, but this lil series thing has been so fun and holds such an important lil place in my heart that finishing it off feels like something special in itself ;(( it means a whole lot to me ;((
> 
> hhhh ok omg i'm gonna Stop because i probably look gross rn but just know that this is all so heartfelt and i'm so grateful for each and every one of you who decided to even just spare a glance at this ,, you're the best !!!!!!! i love you so much !!!!!!! thank you thank you thank you oh my goodness ♡♡♡♡

**Author's Note:**

> playlist for this work is "oh, my moon" on spotify !
> 
> this has also been cross-posted to wattpad under the username kwanies <3
> 
> (my twitter is @/cheniuvrs !! come talk to me abt soonhoon uwu)


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